The Klingon Sex Manual by Spiletta

42The Doctor beamed some more. “The Klingon Sex Manual. It’s proven a fascinating subject to research.”
“You wrote a sex manual? Why?”
“reH ‘eb tu’lu’,” the Doctor replied. “There is always a chance.”
Tom forgot about the PADD until that evening, when he returned to his quarters after a late velocity match with Harry.
The PADD was where he’d left it, on the coffee table. What could a hologram teach him about sex? Curiosity finally won out. Tom opened the file and read:
So you’re dating a Klingon. Congratulations! Your chosen mate comes from a very passionate race. But you must be asking yourself, are you prepared for the challenge? Sex, or nga’chuq, is very important in a romantic relationship. Read on, and when the time comes you’ll have all of the tools necessary to make your first night together a satisfying experience.
Tom had heard the whispered rumors about Klingon women. Would he be able to satisfy B’Elanna if the time came? He’d never had any complaints before, but then again he’d never dated a Klingon before. A little reading couldn’t hurt. He continued.
Lesson One: tIhIngan maH! We are Klingons! Sons and daughters of Qo’noS exclaim this in times of great joy, such as in battle or in the throes of passion.
To the Klingon, battle and lovemaking have much in common. No Klingon life is complete without both experiences, and they invest themselves fully in those experiences. A Klingon is not shy about expressing either desire or pleasure.
No, he’d never describe B’Elanna as shy. The thought of her fiery temperament carried into lovemaking brought a smile to his lips. Tom felt himself respond to the mental image.
Modesty has no place in the Klingon bedroom. Neither does restraint. A Klingon will never bite back a cry of passion, turn out the lights, or think to make love by candlelight. They want to see their mates and experience the act with all of their senses.
Be frank and unabashed in your admiration of her body — her entire body. Klingon females expect a roar of delight when they reveal their sexual organs, and will not consider it crude to have a lover comment upon their assets.
What humans term ‘dirty talk’ is very important to the Klingon mating process. Don’t try to give your partner orders, however, for the reaction will be violent.
Tom wondered if B’Elanna felt that way. She’d called him a pig for far less, but people were different when they made love. Maybe she liked dirty talk. Or perhaps not. Either way, she’d let him know. She certainly wasn’t shy about expressing displeasure.
As for the advice about orders, well no sane human would get naked and then try to boss around a Klingon.
Before we move on to Klingon courting rituals, we should discuss the anatomical differences between humans and Klingons.
Tom gulped. It had never occurred to him that there might be anatomical differences, at least not down there. He knew that Klingons had an extra heart, and that some internal organs were arranged differently. But Klingons were sexually compatible with humans, as proven by plenty of half-Klingons.
The Klingon sex organs are on average thirty percent larger than those of the average human. The old Earth adage ‘It’s not the meat it’s the motion’ might not apply. If you are male, and not well endowed, you may not be able to keep a Klingon woman satisfied regardless of your skill. Surgical options exist, as do various sexual appliances, should the need arise.
Tom shuddered at the thought of surgery. He’d always considered himself to be fairly well equipped, but was it enough? At least B’Elanna was only half-Klingon. That might prove in his favor.
As for the Klingon female, the enlarged clitoris does provide a bigger target, but don’t be fooled into a false sense of security. The clitoral hood is often thicker than that of a human female, which might prove a challenge. The male should be prepared to apply greater pressure, and even to use his teeth if necessary.
Teeth? There? Good thing Vorik had interrupted them before. A bad sexual experience would have doomed their relationship, regardless of the circumstances. What if he’d failed to satisfy her enough to purge the blood fever? He swallowed hard. The woman he loved could have died from his inadequate sexual technique.
Once the male has stimulated the female enough to cause the clitoris itself to poke out from the hood, it is just as sensitive as that of a human female. Direct stimulation requires moisture and a delicate touch, and will produce an extreme physical and vocal reaction.
The Doc sure wasn’t shy with the details. Tom chuckled and wondered exactly what he had meant by ‘research.’
Klingon stamina exceeds that of the average human. For the human female, this proves no obstacle, but the human male will find the situation challenging. We’ll cover the solutions in later chapters.
Later chapters! Tom nearly screamed in frustration. Why even bring up such a terrifying concern only to brush it aside?
Lesson Two: bomDI’ IwwIj qaqaw. When my blood sings, I remember you. Poetry has an important place in Klingon mating behavior, and this line comes from one of the most famous pieces. As song is important to the Klingon life, so is the memory of the speaker’s beloved. The memory of her, the thought of her, sings in his blood.
A Klingon woman expects to be wooed with poetry, but the male should be prepared to duck. She will roar and fling heavy objects. Once the male has made some progress, she will claw at him. When she is prepared to mate, she will bite him on the face.
Neither the heavy objects nor the biting scared Tom half as much as the poetry. Did he have to compose it himself? If so, he might be in big trouble.
‘IwIIj ghogh yIQoy Listen to the voice of your blood. Blood is not just a bodily fluid. Blood is life. Blood is strength. A wise warrior listens to his blood, from which springs his temperament and character.
You must share your full character, your full self, with your mate. If your union is not complete, then you will find your life to be unfulfilling.
It is through poetry that you first share your soul with your mate. Once you have made yourself emotionally vulnerable, the physical bond may begin. No Klingon male would approach a potential mate with fewer than twelve poems.
Twelve? Twelve? Twelve? Tom didn’t know if he could write one. But twelve? He wondered if they needed to be in Klingon. Perhaps he needed to learn the language, although B’Elanna only seemed to use it when cursing, and he already knew those words.
He’d better learn at least some Klingon, he decided. He couldn’t use the words he already knew in a poem, although a couple might prove useful for the previously mentioned dirty talk.
Lesson Three: yIn DayajmeH ‘oy’ yISIQ To understand life, endure pain. For Klingons, pain is a spiritual test, and it can also be a celebration of life. Biting is an important part of Klingon mating, and a broken clavicle on the wedding night is considered a blessing upon the marriage.
Ouch. Tom had once broken his clavicle while skiing, and he hadn’t found it much of a blessing at the time. Then again, B’Elanna was worth a little pain.
Klingon women like to be bit, even in sensitive places. While some human women enjoy the scrape of teeth, or a light nip, Klingon women need more. Mating Klingons will frequently break the skin in less sensitive areas, such as the shoulders, for example.
During intercourse, Klingons usually bite down hard on their partners’ shoulders at the moment of climax, and such pain will frequently trigger the other’s orgasm.
Pain is frequently a major part of the arousal process. The female will claw at the male even during the wooing phase. Once she has initialized mating by tasting his blood, usually by biting him in the face, she will expect him to taste her as well.
Foreplay will begin when the male bites the female on the shoulder or just above the breast. Once they have tasted each other’s blood they can truly bond. Blood is life.
Tom wasn’t at all sure how he felt about that. Not that he minded a little pain himself, but he didn’t want to bite his partner hard enough to draw blood.
Then he considered how he had felt while rolling around on the ground with B’Elanna, and decided that in the heat of the moment he wouldn’t mind at all. Especially if she enjoyed it.
He’d do just about anything to hear her growl with pleasure. The sound had rumbled through him, making him feel alive, and just the memory of it now brought out a shiver of pleasure.
Not surprisingly, the nipple area is particularly subjected to pain during Klingon mating. Both the male and female enjoy biting in this particular erogenous zone.
Some humans have reported heightened sexual arousal through the use of nipple clamps, mild electric shock to the nipples, and the use of other pain devices.
Goodness. Just what had the Doctor been reading? Tom thought he’d been around, but mild electric shock? He felt the urge to cross his arms over his chest.
Klingons prefer teeth to such gimmicks. This requires skill on the part of both participants. One must bite hard enough to produce the desired stimulation without doing serious injury to the other party.
Pinching and pulling with the fingers is also common. Since this technique is safer, it is a good opportunity for one to learn what degree of stimulation their partner prefers. Some female Klingons can reach orgasm from nipple stimulation alone.
Interesting. Tom had known a human girl like that once. He remembered her fondly enough to still recall her name. Darlene. He made a mental note to not mention that memory to B’Elanna.
The fine balance between pain and pleasure is most important when stimulating the vaginal region. As stated before, the Klingon female has a thicker clitoral hood than her human counterpart, although the clitoris itself is larger and just as sensitive.
She will respond positively to a number of techniques. Gently biting the labia is sure to elicit a response, although care should be taken not to break the skin.
Pain reaffirms life, and many Klingons won’t reach orgasm without experiencing both pain and pleasure. Teeth are applied to nearly every part of the anatomy.
Every part? Tom crossed his legs and again reminded himself that B’Elanna was only half Klingon.
The only part exempt from this treatment seems to be the testicles. From these spring life, and they must therefore be handled delicately.
Tom let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Geez, Doc, couldn’t you have said something sooner?
Lesson Four: vay’ DalarghDI’ yIqaw Remember the scent. Klingons have a highly developed sense of smell. They will object to heavy perfumes and scented body lotions, preferring the body’s natural odor. Klingons find it offensive, even dishonest, to mask such smells.
Tom didn’t think B’Elanna would agree with that statement. She’d grown up with humans, and while she never wore heavy perfumes, her hygiene reflected that upbringing. She didn’t have the same musky scent as other Klingons he had met.
reH bang larghlu’ Love is always smelled. Strong feelings for another are first aroused by the sense of smell. The scent speaks of love before words.
A Klingon will sniff a potential mate, and attraction can neither be fabricated nor concealed. Do not approach a potential Klingon mate while wearing cologne, perfume, or other artificial scents.
Very few people wore perfume on a Starfleet vessel. Such things put undue strain on the environmental controls, and were therefore discouraged. Tom skimmed over the next few paragraphs regarding pheromones and the inner workings of the highly developed Klingon olfactory system.
Lesson Five: jach SuvwI’ ‘e’ yIQoy! Hear the warrior cry out! Klingons are noisy in the throes of passion. Join them in loudly voicing your enthusiasm. Your lover will expect you to express your enjoyment without restraint, through shouting, grunting and growling. A soft human moan will not be heard over her shouts, so use your voice well, and make music together.
That much he knew. B’Elanna hadn’t been shy about her expectations that day on the planet. She’d demanded his enthusiasm, and he’d enjoyed it.
Lesson Six: QongDaqDaq Qotbe’ tIhInganpu’ Klingons do not lie in bed. To Klingons, lovemaking is an athletic activity, often destructive to the furniture. This is the reason that Klingons don’t display fine china in their homes.
Tom snorted. And here he’d thought B’Elanna’s temper was to blame for the lack of decoration in her quarters. It was his experience that she liked to throw vases, and when he’d been on the receiving end, it didn’t feel much like affection.
The Doctor needed to check that part of his research again.
A particular challenge in Klingon foreplay is oral sex, which tends to prove difficult to perform on a moving target.
Tom put the PADD down and laughed. The Doctor’s chosen turn of phrase created an odd image indeed.
While a human female will often squirm and buck her hips as her climax builds, a Klingon female will react more strongly, and often won’t remain in the same place for long. The male is hard pressed not to be thrown to the ground. This is one reason for the high instances of broken bones during Klingon mating practices.
Great, Tom thought. Any advice on how to deal with that? He skimmed over the statistical probabilities of sustaining various specific injuries. Where had the Doctor even found information on which specific rib was most often fractured?
The male’s best strategy would seem to involve wrapping his arms firmly around the female’s thighs. This limits him to his lips, teeth, and tongue for pleasuring the female. He therefore must make full advantage of these tools.
The tongue, whether human or Klingon, is a remarkably flexible organ. It also has surprising strength.
Tom skimmed over the details on the musculature of the tongue, which included comparative anatomy from five different Alpha Quadrant humanoid species. He’d never look at Bolians the same way again.
Lesson Seven: ‘oy’be’lu’chugh Qapbe’lu’. No pain, no gain. Klingons have more stamina than humans. The enthusiasm of the female Klingon will severely test the stamina of a human male.
Under such conditions, the male will want to stimulate the female to orgasm prior to sexual intercourse, often more than once.
The age-old trick where the male thinks about sports or politics to fend off his approaching orgasm probably won’t work with a Klingon woman. She’d consider it an insult if she learned he’d been able to distract himself, and indeed it probably wouldn’t be possible.
A male is unlikely to be distracted from a very vocal, bucking female body directly beneath his own.
Salves are available to reduce the male’s sensitivity. An erection can also be prolonged through a number of methods. Pharmaceuticals are available for the purpose, or the male can fit his erect organ with a ring. This will prevent the blood from leaving the tissue following his climax. Care should be taken not to leave the device in place too long, as injury could result.
Tom crossed his legs again. Perhaps there was a way to build up one’s sexual stamina, or perhaps a special diet would help. He wasn’t fitting anything around that part of his body.
Besides, he didn’t think B’Elanna would find that particularly sexy or romantic. Excuse me, honey, while I attach this medical device — no, definitely not a good idea.
Maybe he’d use the salve, or get a hypospray from the Doctor. At least he wouldn’t have to explain. Doc knew entirely too much for his comfort already.
Lesson Eight: bISovbejbe’DI’ tImer When in doubt, surprise them. Mix things up a little, and don’t go with the expected order of things. Not that you’ll have much choice.
Control of the sexual act transfers rapidly between the two parties during Klingon mating; anything else would seem perverse in their world view.
vay’ DaneHbogh yIchargh. Conquer what you desire. Klingons, both male and female, like to grab each other’s wrists and pin their partners’ down during mating.
Never suggest bondage games to a Klingon, however. This common misunderstanding of the Klingon psyche, that they enjoy rough sex and domination, has resulted in both personal and political conflicts in the past.
Tom skimmed over the historical section. He really didn’t need to know what sexual indiscretions may or may not have contributed to various early twenty-third century conflicts.
Artificial restraints, while enjoyed by some humans, are considered offensive by Klingons, as such things interfere with the natural flow of the sexual interaction. Also it deprives both partners the complete experience. Both need to conquer the object of their desire to reach satisfaction.
Tom tried to remember the name of that girl who had tied him up that time on Risa, but he gave up. The rope burns had been pretty memorable, as had his trip to sickbay. The doctor on the Copernicus hadn’t been nearly as understanding as Voyager’s EMH.
Lesson Nine: DujIIj yIvoq Trust your instincts, and watch your partner for cues. She will let you know what she enjoys. Klingon women are easier than human women in one regard: they will not fake an orgasm.
While your first priority should be to satisfy your partner, you should remember that she will wish to please you as well. Make it easy on her by communicating well. Let her know what you enjoy, and let her know loudly.
Lesson Ten: yIQeqQo’ neH. DoS yIqIp! Don’t just aim; hit the target! Finding the g-spot should be your priority during intercourse. This maximizes her stimulation. The faster you bring her to climax, the sooner you can give in to your own needs.
The g-spot, first discovered in the human female in . . .
Tom skimmed ahead, not interested in the detailed history. He just wanted to know —
. . . is located in the same place in both Klingon and human females. Since Klingons change position frequently during sexual intercourse, you cannot rely on establishing a rhythm, but must constantly readjust the angle of your thrusts.
While the thought of all of this moving around may seem tiring, it actually reduces back strain and aids in extending the experience.
That was good news. He kept in shape, but he was starting to have doubts about keeping up with B’Elanna. He vowed to increase his workout regime.
Hlq DaSammeH tach yI’el To find ale, go into a bar. Don’t overlook the obvious. Remember to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse.
Tom skipped the repetitive information. The Doctor had certainly put some time into developing an understanding of the female body. Tom wondered what he and that Vidiian doctor had been up to in the holodeck.
Lesson Eleven: tIqDaq HoSna’ tu’lu’ Real power is in the heart. If you truly love your partner, and have a genuine desire to bring them pleasure and happiness, all the rest will fall into place.
Give her your best, not just while making love, but in life. Live virtuously, and share your spirit with her. Honor yourself, your love, and your family. Love is the best part of life.
A few last pieces of advice:
Hoch ‘ebmey tIjon Capture all opportunities. Don’t ignore a chance to tell your chosen how you feel about her, and don’t take her for granted.
bImejDI’ reH betleHIIj yItlhap Never leave without your bat’telh, popularly spelled bat’leth . . .
Tom skimmed over the linguistics lesson and searched for the point.
Be prepared. Regardless of the species, women appreciate a man who remembers to bring the wine. While not specific to Klingons, their renowned tempers make this worth mentioning.
The Doctor knew him just a little too well, didn’t he? He’d shown up enough times without the right bottle of wine, and forgotten enough birthdays, to know better. Yet it always seemed to happen again.
He vowed to do his best to avoid that mistake with B’Elanna.
wa’ DoS neH yIbuS. Focus on but one target. This final advice may save your life. The last thing you need is a jealous Klingon woman. Klingon women are known throughout the galaxy for their fiery tempers, and courting two at once, even if both have spurned your advances, may leave you to declare “Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam.” It is a good day to die.
“I love you. Say something.”
“You picked a great time to tell me.”
Tom’s head spun as he remembered the words. She loved him. It had taken a near-death experience to get her to admit it, but she loved him.
He didn’t even mind the implications — that he’d be spending the next few days buried in PADDs, attempting to compose some Klingon love poetry. He loved her, and she loved him.
A life together stretched before them.
Tom called up the complete works of Shakespeare, in the allegedly original Klingon, and then stared blankly at the screen.
taH pagh taHbe’. DaH mu’tlheghvam vIqelnIS.
Not helpful. He needed something romantic. Khamlet was not romantic. He continued to skim.
tIqwIj meant heart. He could use that. What had the Doctor’s research said about sharing himself?
tIqwIj Sa’angnIS. He had a line. He had finished a line. The chronometer read 0200 hours.
He remembered both the wine and the flowers, as well as his PADD full of love poems. He’d managed to create five, none of them particularly good, and he’d downloaded a number of Shakespeare’s, or Shex’pir’s, sonnets.
Never in his life had he prepared more thoroughly for a date, and never before in his life had he felt less prepared.
He’d reread the Doctor’s manual twice today alone, and now he feared that he’d left it on the bridge, or maybe in Stellar Cartography when he’d stopped for the star charts of the region ahead.
“Tom, come in.” B’Elanna looked breathtaking.
He forgot all about the PADD, and found himself standing in the corridor simply gaping at her. He tried to force out a greeting but he couldn’t seem to remember how to speak. He held out the wine and the flowers.
She took the bottle of wine and set it on the table, and he could see her hand shaking slightly as she lit the candles.
So he wasn’t alone in his nervousness. He smiled. “You look beautiful.”
Dinner progressed well. He hardly spilled any food on himself, and B’Elanna didn’t hurl any dishes at his head. They both started to relax and enjoy the evening.
When they moved over to the couch, he pulled out his PADD and swallowing hard, began to read. “tIqwIj Sa’angnIS — ”
“My Klingon is terrible, Paris, what are you trying to say?”
“I must show you my heart,” he answered.
“That’s not the part of you I’m keen on seeing right now, Flyboy.” She leaned over and kissed him hard, her hand trailing up his thigh.
He abandoned the PADD and pulled her against him, his tongue duelling wetly with hers. This sure beat any poetry he’d managed to write.
They’d skipped the poetry reading and china breaking phase, but B’Elanna maintained the tradition of clawing at her partner. She dug her nails so deeply into his back that it hurt even through his shirt.
He didn’t mind at all. Growling his pleasure, he caught her wrists and pressed her against the back of the couch so he could nip at her jaw.
She gasped, surrendering to his ministrations for a moment. Then she pushed him away and launched herself onto him, straddling his body and biting him hard.
They pulled at each other’s clothing, then gave up and parted almost long enough to strip themselves. Tom still had his pants around his ankles when B’Elanna pushed him down on the floor and scraped her teeth down his chest.
He cried out in approval, his hands sliding up and down her naked back. Her skin was soft and silky, but she didn’t give him time to savor it.
She slid down his body and grasped his throbbing erection, causing him to roar in pleasure. His eyes rolled back in his head and for a moment he was at her mercy.
The Doctor’s advice about stamina echoed in his head, and he pushed her away.
They rolled across the floor, kissing hard enough to bruise. He caught her wrists again and pinned them to the floor, nipping her throat and working his way down to suck her breasts.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered against her skin. “A perfect handful.”
He let his teeth scrape lightly against one nipple, pleased when she cried out. Gradually, he increased the intensity of his bites, and she responded loudly, shouting his name and pressing her breast into his mouth.
Her fingers dug into his back, and he could feel them clenching convulsively. He moved lower.
She spread her thighs wide, panting, her whole body tense. He kissed her inner thigh.
“Don’t tease, Flyboy.” She reached down and he could feel the scrape of her nails against his scalp.
He used his whole mouth, licking and sucking. Again remembering the manual, he wrapped his arms around her thighs and then gently bit her outer lips.
The reaction was immediate. She screamed out loudly and bucked her hips, making him hang on for dear life.
“Just to clarify — ”
“Don’t stop to chat, Paris.”
So that was a good scream, then. He chuckled and bit her again, then focused on sucking hard right where it counted.
With a scream, she climaxed, and he learned why Klingons broke clavicles on their wedding nights. She rose up off the floor, her knee catching him hard right below the neck.
He lay back, a little dizzy from the pain, and listened to her panting beside him.
“Oh, Tom, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” She looked down at him, concern in her eyes, and a little bit of embarrassment showing as well.
“Not quite enough.” He tackled her and bit her shoulder hard.
She shouted, all other concerns apparently forgotten, and wrapped her legs around his waist.
His aching erection pressed against her as they kissed and rolled across the floor, tipping over an endtable. The sound of glass breaking failed to slow them down.
He rose up and with her help slid into her depths. “Oh God.”
Her fingernails dug into his buttocks, urging him on, and he started to thrust. Fighting for control, he watched her face, determined to bring her to climax once more before his own release.
Jenny Delaney spotted the PADD on the floor under a console in Stellar Cartography. She picked it up, read a few paragraphs, and rushed back to her quarters.
Just when she thought she’d run out of ways to be inventive, the fates chose to bless her. She grinned. Maybe she’d even manage to eclipse the night with the handcuffs and the feather.
When she finished with Dalby he wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.
“Where did you learn that?” B’Elanna, her face still flushed, propped herself up on one elbow and looked down at him.
“Just something I read.” Tom barely had the strength to turn his head and look at her. “Did I do okay?”
“You were fantastic,” she said. “I’ve never let go so completely with anyone before.”
He reached out and pulled her closer. “I love you.”
She pressed a kiss to his chest. “I love you too.”
Two years later . . .
Neelix caught the PADD just in time to keep it from falling in with the dirty dishes. He skimmed the contents, looking for a clue as to the owner.
Some female Klingons can reach orgasm from nipple stimulation alone.
Interesting. Very interesting in fact. Perhaps he’d have to keep this little find all to himself. Now if only there were Klingons in the Delta Quadrant.
Klingons. Neelix always loved to have guests on board Voyager, but these ones were especially welcome. He’d recently done a great deal of reading on the Klingon culture.
Ch’Rega caught his eye immediately, of course. She was a handsome woman. But her interests seemed to focus on Harry Kim. He tried to be happy for the young man, but it didn’t seem fair that all of the attractive alien women fell for Harry.
He couldn’t believe his luck when Harry gave him the opportunity to steal her away. A woman like Ch’Rega didn’t come along every day.
The two headed for Tuvok’s quarters, where Neelix had set up house while a Klingon family stayed in his, and activated the privacy lock.
“bomDI’ IwwIj qaqaw,” he exclaimed, ducking a flying vase.
Ch’Rega tore off his clothing and pulled him to the floor.
Every goodbye was hard. It broke his heart to leave little Naomi. Neelix went and said a final goodbye to every single member of the crew, leaving gifts and bits of wisdom, and he felt that he was leaving a piece of himself behind. Perhaps that was true.
His last delivery was to the captain. He had final reports on the status of Voyager’s food stores, and the plans for several upcoming birthday parties.
He also had one final gift for her. Among the other PADDs, he buried his copy of The Klingon Sex Manual. The crew had tried everything else, maybe some good old-fashioned erotic literature would inspire her to finally throw protocol to the wind and make Chakotay the happiest man on the ship.
“I found some interesting reading,” Janeway told her first officer.
“Oh?” He looked up and took the PADD she held out.
“I think our crew is getting desperate,” she said. “I found that in the food storage inventory. Maybe we should think about telling them the truth?”
“I wouldn’t argue.” He pulled her down onto the couch and kissed her thoroughly.
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