Categories: Ship, Het, Humor, faux noir
Characters: Harry Kim, Tom Paris, Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay, Captain Proton, Buster Kincaid, Queen Arachnia
Spoilers: Bride of Chaotica!
A/N: Written, through a haze of sleep deprivation, as my entry in Purple Comet's In Black & White.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, but Paramount doesn't love them like we do and they never let them do anything good.
"When facing terrible odds and no chance of survival, doing something is better than doing nothing." Captain Proton of the Interplantary Patrol.
Captain Kathryn Janeway leaned back against the wall of the turbolift. "Tell me again why I agreed to this?"
Commander Chakotay smiled at her. "Crew morale?"
"And just how is it good for morale for the crew to see the captain dressed like this? I look like an idiot."
"You don't look like an idiot, Kathryn."
She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. The blue fire of the warp core blazed in her eyes. "Then what do I look like?"
His eyes took in her elaborately styled auburn hair, the low cut black dress, and the creamy flesh it did so little to conceal. "You look like the most beautiful woman in the galaxy."
"Flattery will get you nowhere Commander."
He chuckled and stepped closer, knowing he was pushing his luck, but unwilling to pass on the opportunity. "No?"
The turbolift doors opened.
Kathryn swallowed hard and rushed from the lift. It had been weeks since she'd heard that tone in his voice. Did he know how it affected her? How could he not? Each time, there was the ache of longing and the shattering of her hope that he'd move on, mingled guiltily with the relief that he hadn't. Not to mention her physical response to his voice and his eyes.
Could they wait thirty years? Should they?
They reached the holodeck, and she tried to concentrate on her role in Tom's holonovel and not on the turmoil within her. Someday, she feared, she'd just crumble and give in to her desires. Sometimes she just wished the choice would be taken out of her hands. An excuse. She wanted an excuse.
Chakotay was watching her, no doubt reading the emotions that she hadn't quite managed to hide. She focused on Tom and his explanation of the Interspacial Cross-Galactic Door that her character illegally possessed.
"An artificial wormhole," she said. "What I wouldn't give to have one of those."
She felt Chakotay's hand upon her elbow. A brief touch, but powerful in its ability to soothe her mood.
Ace Reporter Buster Kincaid had an assignment. This time, Captain Proton of the Interplanetary Patrol hadn't called upon his sidekick to help save the Galaxy. This time, the stakes were much higher.
He slunk through the caves that led to Queen Arachnia's lair. Her minions could be anywhere. His hand clutched his Energy Ray Gun as his silent feet moved him closer to his destination.
Suddenly, he turned a corner and was faced with a terrifying sight. His knuckles turned white on his Ray Gun and he contemplated his next move.
Firmly vowing to be a good sport, Kathryn headed for her lair. She was supposed to prevent Captain Proton and the Interplanetary Patrol from confiscating her Interspacial Cross-Galactic Door, which she needed to seize control of the Incorporated Planets.
If possible, she was supposed to kidnap Constance Goodheart. Apparently, the kidnapping of Constance Goodheart was vital to all plans of galactic conquest.
She was permitted, Tom had told her, to forge alliances with any of the Scum of the Universe which she desired. She had told him that she certainly did not desire any Scum, which, to her delight, had thrown him off balance for a moment.
Her mood had greatly improved, and she was very much hoping to beat Tom at his own ridiculous game. How hard could it be, really, to kidnap Constance Goodheart and seize control of the Galaxy?
Buster Kincaid stared in fascinated horror at the giant spider guarding the tunnel. It was huge. An uglier creature he had not come across in a lifetime of battling the Scum of the Universe.
"Buster!" the spider exclaimed. "Buster Kincaid! What a delightful surprise!"
The spider rushed towards him.
Buster stood his ground, confused and certainly not yet prepared to lower his weapon.
"Don't you recognize me?" the spider asked in a hurt tone. "It's me, Phred! We escaped Queen Fems castle together."
"Of course, Phred," Buster replied cautiously. "I just wasn't sure. How have you been?"
"Very well, thank you," Phred answered. "Except now Queen Arachnia wishes me to guard her Interspacial Cross-Galactic Door, and it's not a very fulfilling occupation."
"I wouldn't think it would be," Buster answered. "You should know that Interspacial Cross-Galactic Doors are illegal on all of the Incorporated Planets."
"I know, but she's a hard woman to refuse," Phred said. "Are you here to seize the Interspacial Cross-Galactic Door? I would hate it if I had to eat you."
"No," Buster answered honestly. "I'm here to kidnap the Queen."
"Oh," said Phred. "Very well then. Carry on."
Chakotay didn't care about the holonovel, of course, but he did care about Kathryn's mood. Her response to his flirting was still on his mind.
He did as was expected of him as a card carrying member of the Scum of the Universe. He went to his underground hideout on Planet Seventeen and ordered his minions to capture Constance Goodheart.
Then he sat back on his throne and thought about Kathryn.
Queen Arachnia turned on her imagizer and began scanning the galaxy for the location of Constance Goodheart. After all this time, and all these kidnappings, one would think that Captain Proton would have found a way to hide his secretary. But no, in a matter of minutes Queen Arachnia knew the exact location of the young lady in question.
"Minions!" She adjusted the settings on the Interspacial Cross-Galactic Door. "Bring me Constance Goodheart."
The words were barely out of her mouth, and a swarm of minions had grabbed the screaming woman. Yet to her fury they were not her minions. She knew those minions. They were the minions of the dreaded Thepothabe.
Thepothebe smiled happily when his imagizer snapped on to reveal the face of Queen Arachnia. "What may I do for you, humble lady?"
"Humble lady?" she fumed. "Who are you calling a lady?"
"Ah, fair Queen, I see you are in a fine mood today. But is there some way I can please you?"
"I'm sure there are many ways that I can please you," she said sweetly. "But first I require that you turn over Constance Goodheart to me."
He smiled lazily. "Perhaps something can be arranged."
"Come to my lair, and we shall discuss the possibilities," she said. The look in her eyes was smoldering, even over the monochrome imagizer.
"I think I shall do just that," he replied in a voice that matched her eyes.
Okay, thought Arachnia, so there was one Scum that she desired. She tried to shake off the effects of his voice. She needed to be calm for his arrival.
Suddenly, Buster Kincaid leapt out of hiding, Energy Ray Gun drawn.
She eyed him calmly. "So we meet again, Mister Kincaid."
"We do," he said. He advanced on her, barely a hesitation in his step. "Put your hands where I can see them, Arachnia."
She did. To her utter shock, he moved swiftly, seizing her wrists and binding them quickly over her head.
Arachnia struggled furiously, but she was no match for Ace Reporter Buster Kincaid. He soon had her tied helplessly to her own Cradle of Persuasion. The very same Cradle of Persuasion that she had conned away from the diabolical Dr. Chaotica.
Thepothabe entered Queen Arachnia's lair with caution. The sight before him was unexpected, and set his heart thundering.
There, tied helplessly in Chaotica's Cradle of Persuasion, was the fair Queen Arachnia. His eyes took in her elaborately styled hair, her low cut black dress, and the creamy flesh it did so very little to conceal.
Never had he seen a more beautiful woman.
Was it some trap? Some ploy to use seduction to gain the possession of Constance Goodheart?
He didn't care.
What was the possession of Constance Goodheart worth, compared to the possibilities before him? "Why, Arachnia, what has befallen you?"
Queen Arachnia glared up at him as she struggled to control her breathing.
He moved closer, standing where he could watch her skin shiver in response to his proximity. His eyes roamed over her body again before resting on her face.
She glared at him. "Don't just stand there, do something."
He leaned in, his face inches from hers. "What would you have me do?"
He did something.
Ace Reporter Buster Kincaid smiled and hit his combadge. "Captain Proton, we have lift off."
Special thanks on this one are due to D.W. "Prof" Smith, who took the time to write Captain Proton: Defender of the Earth, which served as a great inspiration in the writing of this fic.
This transformative work constitutes a fair use of any copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. Star Trek™©, Star Trek: The Next Generation™©, Star Trek: Voyager™© and related properties are Registered Trademarks of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended. No profits made here. © Spiletta42, September 2002.