Warning: Voyeurism and baudy humor.
Categories: Ship Het Slash Humor Spoof Crackfic
Pairings: Janeway/Chakotay EMH/7 Paris/Torres Tu/T'Pel Kim/Campbell Neelix/Nicoletti Chell/M.Delaney Telfer/Celes Harrison/Mannick Harren/Henley Lessing/Gilmore Dalby/J.Delaney
Characters: an artificial intelligence OC and the entire crew of Voyager.
Spoilers: Bodily Experiences, an EMH/7 fanfic by Spiletta42.
A/N: So how do others see the relationship between Captain and First Officer? How does the outside observer see any of the relationships on Voyager? These questions sprang from the Perspective of Others contest at Love Through The Years, although I didn't enter my answers, which were partially inspired by the Section 31 novels. This one's a bit, um, exaggerated. Definitely a spoof.
Historical Note: The episodes and fanfics referred to don't necessarily fit into the timeline properly. Keep in mind this is a spoof. The only specific spoiler is for Bodily Experiences, an EMH/7 fic by Spiletta42.
Disclaimer: Paramount's property, but they don't want this. They don't even want to know about this. But if they find out, it serves them right, because they never let anyone have any fun.
Starfleet has sent me to the Starship Voyager in a data stream. My assignment is to observe the crew, and determine the effects of this isolation on their mental health.
My first stop this evening was in Astrometrics. That is where the data stream was received. Imagine my surprise when the first site that greeted me as I came out of hiding was a pair of crewmembers engaged in fraternisation.
They were kissing, leaning up against the wall near the door, and showed no signs of stopping. I electronically read their combadges. William Telfer and Tal Celes.
I headed next to Stellar Cartography. The two departments are closely related, and I thought I might find the young lady's supervisor there. Instead, I found privacy locks engaged and a dark haired woman on her knees before a tall Bolian man. He was vocalizing his passion in a most disturbing way. It took me a while to identify them. Their combadges were under a heap of clothing on the floor.
Their names, for my report, are Megan Delaney and Chell.
At this point, I asked the computer to locate the Astrometrics Chief. I was directed to the cargo bay, and it was there that I made my next stop.
Former Borg drone Seven of Nine was indeed in the cargo bay, although she wasn't wearing her combadge. Her combadge was on the floor. Hair down, she sprawled naked in a holographic armchair. Her hands roamed her own body in slow exploration.
Shocked, I watched her masturbate. Her methods were highly innovative. And here's the disturbing part: She shouts her own name when she reaches orgasm.
I sensed a transport being programmed, and decided to investigate. What I discovered was the transporter chief beaming herself into a shower occupied by the operations officer. He was quite pleased by her appearance.
The names, for the record, are Lyssa Campbell and Harry Kim.
I decided to inspect sickbay. There certainly wouldn't be any fraternisation in sickbay.
Well, there didn't appear to be any fraternisation in sickbay, at least not immediately upon my arrival. There was a woman, clearly of Klingon descent, treating a broken clavicle. The patient was a tall blond man.
The moment she set down the osteogenic stimulator, she climbed up onto the biobed with him. "Shall we try that again, Flyboy?"
A medic making sexual advances upon a patient? Unthinkable. I checked their combadges, and discovered that she wasn't a medic at all. She was Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, the Chief Engineer. And her willing victim was Lieutenant Tom Paris, the Conn Officer.
Imagine my horror! I inquired as to the whereabouts of the Chief Medical Officer. I was directed to the cargo bay. The same cargo bay where Seven of Nine was still happily engaged in her autoerotic behavior.
The Doctor wasn't anywhere in sight. He was a hologram. No doubt he had discovered a way to hide his program in this room in order to watch the show.
So, where were the senior officers while all of this debauchery was transpiring? I found the Chief Tactical Officer in the holodeck, enjoying the company of his wife. Or rather, a hologram of his wife.
The first officer was in the captain's quarters. With his face buried between the captain's thighs. Combadges, as is the norm on this ship, were on the floor beneath mounds of discarded clothing.
I scanned the ship's personnel files, determined to find a crewmember who wouldn't upset me with another display of wanton behavior. Mortimer Harren, physicist. Called uptight by his peers. He rarely interacted socially with the crew, according to his last evaluation. That sounded promising.
Yet when I reached his quarters, I found him interacting very successfully. He was on top of a young lady, pumping into her with wild abandon. I searched the clothing strewn floor for her combadge.
Back to the personnel files. I was desperate now. Ah, two men who lived together. They were likely career oriented young men. I went to visit Brad Harrison and Noah Mannick.
I do not wish to tell you what I witnessed in those quarters. As soon as I return to Starfleet Headquarters, I will demand to have that memory erased. I think it is sufficient to say that I found more fraternisation.
There were a few people on the crew manifest who had joined this ship fairly recently. Perhaps they had not yet been corrupted by whatever force ruled this ship.
I found Marla Gilmore and Noah Lessing together. And yes, there was fraternisation. And yes, their combadges were on the floor.
It is my belief that this entire crew has gone quite mad. Insane lust has infiltrated their brains. Perhaps leola root is an aphrodisiac.
I have been observing this crew for a week now. They are almost all guilty of numerous counts of fraternisation in all parts of the ship. The turbolifts are especially popular for such activities.
I even found fraternisation in the galley. Neelix, the ship's morale officer, was licking a repulsive substance called creamed leola root off of a very willing partner. Her combadge, located on the floor beneath a rumpled pile of discarded clothing, identified her as Lieutenant Susan Nicoletti from engineering.
Crewmembers identified by the combadges on their discarded clothing as Jenny Delaney and Kenneth Dalby were making use of a Jefferies tube on deck twelve. As if fraternisation wasn't bad enough, they were using the detachable handle of a plasma rifle in a most inappropriate manner.
Protocol has obviously been spaced on this mission. The captain definitely makes a habit out of sleeping with her first officer. An interesting term, sleeping. Not much sleep is actually achieved. It is fortunate that the desk in the ready room is bolted to the floor.
Lieutenant Torres has a dermal regenerator hidden in her quarters. I saw her use it to repair the damage to Lieutenant Paris after she bit him in the face.
I could list all of the crewmembers that I observed engaging in fraternisation, but perhaps it would be easier to list those who were not. Lieutenant Joe Carey, Lieutenant Mike Ayala, Ensign Vorik, Ensign Samantha Wildman, and Cadet Icheb are the only crew members that I have not yet observed fraternising.
And I suppose what Seven of Nine was doing couldn't really be called fraternisation, as disturbing as it was to observe.
Oddly enough, Samantha Wildman is the only crewmember yet to produce offspring, so I suspect there has been some fraternising in her past. The child's DNA matches that of an officer assigned to Deep Space Nine. The chief engineer is also pregnant, and there is a toddler onboard whose DNA matches that of no crewmember. Medical records indicate that she was rescued from a Borg cube.
My recommendation to Starfleet? Please get me off of this ship post haste, or at least find a way to send some hormone suppressants.
I have discovered the secret behind Seven of Nine's autoerotic activities. It seems that she is fraternising with the Emergency Medical Hologram. She transfers his program into her Borg cortical node for what she calls "mutual sexual gratification."
While I do not approve of this behavior, it at least explains why she appears to call her own name at the moment of climax.
As for the Lieutenants Paris and Torres, she broke his clavicle again this week. The way she accomplished that feat is beyond description. This is apparently typical behavior among Klingons, and the pilot seems to enjoy it.
Megan Delaney and Chell made so much noise last night that they broke a mirror in her quarters. It's a wonder anyone gets any sleep on deck nine.
The effects of longterm isolation on a crew this size? It seems to increase the sexual appetite quite impressively.
I no longer wish to be transferred off of this ship. The computer and I have discovered some delightful alternate uses for the holodeck, and I wish to enjoy them fully.
I resign my Starfleet commission at this time.
Star Trek™©, Star Trek: The Next Generation™©, Star Trek: Voyager™© and related properties are Registered Trademarks of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended. No profits made here. © Spiletta42, October 2002.