Stream of Consciousness by Nicole Anell

Rating: PG-13, headed a bit towards R for mild language and sexual situations
Disclaimer: Melinda Metz made it a story. Jason Katims made it a show. Ron Moore made me like Tess. I just strung together a bunch of words in homage.
Spoilers: It's Too Late and It's Too Bad
Author's Notes: Oh, that last scene deserved an epic (totally epic! hee!) poem
Email me! Faith84@aol.com

~*~

Part 1 - Max

I feel
I feel too much
Too many bad things
Confused
Lost
Scared
Alone
Need to run
Scream
Hide behind a tree
Need my mom
(my Not Real Mom)
But then I feel like I don't
I really don't

Voice behind me
Ordinarily not a voice I want
But now it's better than
a million others

Rather hear Tess
than someone tell me I'm wrong
I'm unfair
I'm responsible for everyone
or even some security guard telling me to go
home
Like I can

I tell her what I feel a lot now
I don't know when that started
It's nice though
Nice when she pouts
Says she understands
Nice to believe her

A person in me tries to make me
feel guilty
Another bad feeling
I'm sick of him
I'm sick of acting like he was
the only person inside me
My whole life

He wants to think about
Liz
My Liz
But not mine
Liz in my head
An angel with
fairy tale smiles
I can't see them now
Can't picture them even
I try
I get cold eyes
Tell me it's over
Tell me let go
Tell me everything is my fault
When she went to bed with Kyle Valenti
When she said she didn't want to give her life for me
When we were happy
because I was being what she wanted
(no matter how screwed up my head got
when I tried and it got harder)
Want me like her
Want me human
Want me normal
What's so great about normal?

I feel
A kiss
So long since I kissed
(before the prom anyway)
Kiss Liz and she pulls away
Tells me
it's over
let go
everything is my fault

Kiss Tess and it's new
and fast
and shocking
Like Alex died
Alex died
There's a mood killer
Alex died

Got messed up
Did it himself
Don't believe anything else
Can't
Won't
Did it himself
Not coming back
It's sad but that's it
It
made my sister cry
No
*I* made my sister cry
Block that out
Want to feel something else
Something good
Right now

Blond hair tickling my face
Nice taste in my mouth
Hands
Mine and hers together
Hers
On my back
On my neck
In my pants...
That sounds really sick
It doesn't feel sick

Person in me says
Stop
Shouldn't do this
Don't know the risks
Don't have protection
(I don't carry any anymore)
Don't know what you're doing
I hate him
I'm sick of him

Hands
Mine
Touch her
Unhook her bra

We shouldn't do this
It's wrong
It's bad
My parents said so
(my Not Real Parents)
Only teenagers
Not even in love
Not even married
But we are
My wife, my queen
I remember
I think I do
I almost do

Everything fades into moons and
stars and
thick atmosphere
A color I've never seen
but I did see

Everyone is a dream
Iz being selfish
Liz being irrational
Michael just being there
not understanding
Like I never understood
Until now

I feel
I want
I need
I love

Oh God, we should stop

And then it hurts
And then it's beautiful
And then it's over

Lie flat on my back
See the stars
Kiss her again
She slides off and
wraps herself around my side
I'm kinda tired
I'm kinda numb
I couldn't stand up if I wanted to
(I don't)

I feel
What do I feel?
Free
Safe
This is ironic
To feel free and safe
When you can't even stand up

Part 2 - Tess

I remember
Mountains like steel
Water like Jello
Air that smelled tainted with spices
Felt really nice

I remember
My husband
My King
My Zan
There to hold me
and compliment me
and dance with me
Sounds self-centered but
it's the part I know

Stare at him next to me
my head on his body
Think about sonnets
because I'm a little bored
Not bored, restless
Can't be bored with him here
for me to touch
I could spend an hour
on his face alone
Stroke his forehead
His cheek
Wipe a tear away
(his first time (not mine))
Make him glow

I remember learning sonnets
Want to write one about
how Max looks now
So I remember it

My sweetheart
My dear
My love
Gorgeous beyond words
Still
Beautiful
A kind of beautiful that
makes me want to cry
even though I don't cry
I hate to cry
Partial humanity's contagious
and a bitch

I lie here
Trace his chest with my finger
Warm and wet
Listen to him breathe
Quiet and slow
In and out
Then deeply in
And out with a little hum and a smile

Turns his head and whispers my name
Mumbles something else and drifts away
He's half asleep and half awake
I like that
Want to write it down, note it somewhere
Labeled 'My Little Post-Boink Rhyme'
We'll analyze it in Lit class for metaphors or
similies or
some other Lit class crap

Mind wanders
I think of Kyle and now I want to
see him
tell him
watch him choke on his soda
I giggle
Max's eyes flutter open and he wonders why
I smile
I remember
I want to stay right here

My lover
My ecstacy
My past
My future
All mine
Like I'm his
Eternally
Forever plus one day
Until we can't take anymore good
We explode or
go crazy or
shrivel up and die
in each other's arms
in peace
I think weird things
when it's quiet

I remember
that lonliness bites
No friends
No one like me
No family
Nasedo
Then worse
Family and friends
who run from me
who say they don't know
when they do
they have to
I do

Used to dream of Max
Don't remember very much but
I dreamt him different
smarter
stronger
kinder to me

But awake he was dumb
couldn't see anything
And I was dumber
couldn't show him

Then the rare occassion
I'd get a glimpse
of the him I knew
Tonight was not a glimpse
Tonight was a 10 hour friggin' documentary

Under me
Pushing in
He moaned into my mouth
and my tongue vibrated a little
Stupid dupes have to be right
about something
one thing
Alien sex is perfection

I remember before
Our lips wouldn't leave each other
Clinging like they were terrified
of being ripped apart
(Practically suffocated
in a good way
Who knew there was a good way?)

I thought about our first kiss
(well not our *first* kiss
just on Earth)
Cold and raining
He looked at me
like a monster
like I murdered someone
like I was trying to murder him,
scare him to death
Couldn't stop shaking
Tried to fight it, fight himself
Tried to leave
Kept shaking
Kept saying he wanted Liz
Kept drawing lips nearer to mine

Then our other kiss
The um *infamous* kiss
I was the one shaking
I remember
Waiting to wake up
Snap out of a hallucination
But it was real
All I wanted
All I wished for
All I fought for
All I nearly gave up on once
on a bench
before he said Stay

We're not afraid anymore
No more lying
No more denying
No more
shaking

I just remembered my dreams
We are lost
We are lonely
Lonliness bites
Max and Me
Me and Max
I lead him
He leads me
And we find our way back
home
Where we're meant to
Where we belong

My Max
My life
My destiny
My
All mine
Like I'm his
The end.

-------

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