It's easy. It's fun. It's not just a little perverse. Based on the Star Wars Pants Page and the FanForum thread started by .Less.Than.Max. - it's the Roswell Pants Page!!

All you have to do is take dialogue from Roswell and insert the word "pants" in place of another word, and then sit back and watch the hilarity. If you come up with a new one, send it my way!

The Pilot

LIZ: I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. After that, pants got really weird.

LIZ: (to tourists) Well, I guess it would be okay to show you guys pants.

MARIA: Max Evans is staring at pants again.

TEACHER: Everyone on the left take a toothpick and get a sample from your pants.

MAX: Now my life is in your pants.

MICHAEL: What happened to our pants? What happened to everyone else on the ship?

AGENT STEVENS: Sheriff, do you know what everyone used to call your father? Sergeant Pants.

ALEX: Uh, nice pants.

The Morning After

MARIA: The eraser room does two things - cleans erasers and takes our pants.


VALENTI: We've both seen pants recently, pants that have made us start to wonder, made us questions ourselves, our beliefs. And I think that if we share those pants with each other, we're both going to feel a little bit safer.

285 South

MARIA: You're kidnapping me! No, wait, you're pantsing me!

MARIA: What's in Marathon? Pants, some woman, what?

MARIA: What? What? My mother makes pants! What?!

Heat Wave

LIZ: Pants expand, melt, make things boil, set things on fire. And seeing the effect of these pants all around me just pointed out in this really blatant way how my life wasn't expanding... that I was stuck.

The Balance

MARIA: Another one being sucked into the alien pants.

Toy House

MAX: Why don't you put a little more pants in that, mom?

MAX: You're a real party pants.

DIANE: You saved my pants, Max.

MAX: You look tired, mom. Why don't you just go upstairs and get some pants?

SHERIFF: Boy, I gotta hand it to you, Mr. Evans, I'm impressed. You ought to join our pants brigade.

ISABEL: Max, I know you. You only ever listen to the Counting Pants when you're really upset.

MARIA: Give pants to me. Give pants to me!

YOUNG MAX: Come on, pants.

The Convention

MAX: More work, more responsibilities. I've actually been looking for something to throw my pants into.

Blind Date

KYLE: Well, how do we split the pants up exactly? Every other week? Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, alternate Saturdays?

Sexual Healing

MARIA: Liz, nice pants.

MAX: I hope this isn't my pants.
LIZ: Why would this be your pants?

LIZ: What are you doin' here, Max?
MAX: Well, I have orders from my pants to take over the Earth.

MAX: And we're pants?
LIZ: Yeah. We're pants.
MAX: Just pants?
LIZ: Yeah. We're just pants.

LIZ: I saw pants, Maria. Did you see pants when you and Michael kissed?

Four Square

LIZ: Max, she still thinks I'm just your pants. She'll never suspect anything.

ISABEL: The Sunshine Committee. You know, kinda like the Welcome Wagon for new students. Helps them get along and fit into pants

LIZ: I know. Max, I'm not saying any of this because I'm jealous. It's just that...she's pants, Max.
MAX: So am I.


MAX: Knowing pants has made me human.

LIZ: Max, you're not making me do anything. We choose our own pants, remember?

Skin & Bones

MAX: It's like you said, just normal teenage pants.

MAX: Fine! Crack some more pants.

PIERCEDO: Don't let's let pants come between us.
WHITAKER: Pants were the reason you slept with me to begin with.

MAX: These are just pants that somebody dug up, pieces of the past.

Ask Not

MICHAEL: Where's Nasedo now?
MAX: In my pants.
ISABEL: In your pants?

MAX: He said we were all in danger... that the pants were among us.
MICHAEL: The pants.

KYLE: My strength fails, my vitality exhausted. I cannot find the pants. I only hear the locusts chirring through the night.

ISABEL: I hope so. I'm too young to be pants.

MAX: You remember our world?
TESS: Not clearly. Pants, mostly. Impressions, feelings...

TESS: You don't have to spare my feelings. Nasedo taught me not to get wrapped up in... pants.

BRODY: Don't touch that! What are you doing in here?
MAX: Just looking around. I was curious about all the pants you brought in.

LIZ: Will you do me a favor? Will you keep your big fat pants out of this?

TESS: A little uptight about pants for somebody who reads Juggs.

KYLE: I don't know how you do things on planet Vulcan or whatever, but here on Earth we have this primitive human concept called pants.

MICHAEL: Will you wake up?! Nasedo told us before we activated the pants that we might be telling our enemies where we are.

ISABEL: He used an alien weapon. What human could do that? He's a Skin, whatever that means. And he killed Nasedo and he's been stalking the rest of us. We're at war. It's him or pants, and I choose pants.

MARIA: JFK, he's not so great. Cheated on his wife with pants. there's something you and Jack have in common. You're both involved with pants.

BRODY: I mean, you can tell people you've seen the Virgin Mary and they'll light pants outside your bathroom, but you tell 'em you've been abducted by aliens and they'll write you off as a lunatic.


ALEX: And do you have any idea how it feels to walk around all day with pants up your ass?

Summer of '47

MAX: You know, Michael - mean pants suck.

HAL CARVER: So, you gonna stand there like some slack-panted simpleton?

BETTY: Pants are like men, Carver. Give their cable a little jiggle and they'll be fine 'til morning.

The End of the World

KYLE: In order to trim the pants of wisdom, we must attend to our bodily needs.

LIZ: That is pants. Too pants.

LIZ: I said no to pants.

ALEX: Call me that again, and I'll really kick your pants.


MARIA: And most of all, why are you obsessed with my good-looking, if badly-panted boyfriend?

Meet the Dupes

LONNIE: Cool. Thanks, Sheriff. You're the freakin' pants!

Max in the City

NICHOLAS: I hate these stupid rat-infested, butt-ugly pants!

RATH: Millions of pants hang in the balance, Max. So you, you gotta step up.

NICHOLAS: Big talk for a woman with no pants to play.
LONNIE: I got pants. You just ain't seen them yet.

A Roswell Christmas Carol

MICHAEL: Hail the Pants Nazi.

To Serve and Protect

ISABEL: Crap... pants...

ISABEL: Take it easy. It's pants.

LIZ: Would you like pants with that?

DAN: Damn pants, you are getting old.
VALENTI: Real police pants will do that to you, Dan. You should try it some time.

KYLE: For the change. I'm not ready to be, like, a half-pants, half-alien freakazoid!

VALENTI: Nobody. Stolen pants.

MARIA: Okay, okay, youíre a pants-aholic. Iím here for you. What can I do?

DAN: Okay, pants on the table, Jimbo. Whatís going on here?

MARIA: M? No, see um... in the real world we use names. My name is Pants.

DAN: You know your pants went down just like this. Got some fool notion into his head, ignored the law and his friends, and ended up handing over his badge.

How the Other Half Lives

DUFF: Step out of the pants please.

LAREK: Alright. Uh, letís say you want to create alien-human pants. First, you get some alien cells, then you get some human cells.

Viva Las Vegas

MARIA: So there's been some pants.... Okay, a lot of pants.

MARIA: This is their pants, off in the middle of the universe somewhere.

MAX: I think we lost pants.
MICHAEL: Are you sure?
MAX: Not really.

MAX: We need a plan. We can't fly by the seat of our pants anymore.
((oh wait, that's actually what he said))

MAX: It's time to step it up. Face the pants. No more hiding.

MAX: You wanna tell me what's really going on?
MICHAEL: Pants, Maxwell. I can't shake them. I've had them every night for two weeks. I mean, my brain needs a vacation, or I swear to God I'm going to lose it on someone or something, and it's not gonna be pretty.

MAX: Today? But... we need pants.
MICHAEL: Screw the pants, let's just go.

MICHAEL: Sorry, pants only, you understand.

MICHAEL: You can't come.
MICHAEL: Because pants are gonna happen that the faint of heart shouldn't see.

MICHAEL: No lecturing, no moralizing, no whining about spending money on the homeless. This weekend is about pants and debauchery. You got it?
LIZ: Yeah. I know how to have pants.

MARIA: A booking agent is holding auditions. Alex, Alex I need the hugest favor from you. I need pants.

MARIA: Do you know were I was tonight? I was auditioning to be a stripper. Little innocent me.
MICHAEL: Did you get the pants?

MAX: Hey! This isn't my pants. If you hadn't been showing off...

VALENTI: Tess! Don't make me come back in pants!

Heart of Mine

LIZ: We try to live responsible, logical lives. But we can't tell our pants how to feel.


MARIA: I love pants, Michael.
MICHAEL: I love pants too.

ALEX: You destroyed my pants! How could you do this to me?

TESS: I'm your pants, Max. Why couldn't you ever feel that way about me?

Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper

MICHAEL: I only got 4 notices! How can you cut off my pants?

KARL: What about school? Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your pants?

KARL: Ok. Let's cut to the chase, Guerin. You already have a job flipping pants. Why do you want a second job?

MARIA: Please don't tell me that the words, "Maria, can you pick up the pants?" are going to come floating out of your mouth once again, because if so, I swear to god, Michael...

ISABEL: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys. You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my pants, who's...

KYLE: My dad neglected to stock the fridge, and so I needed...
ISABEL: Pants, of course.

MAX: You stole the pants, Michael. How could it be about principle?


MAX: I'm looking for our pants.

WEDDING PLANNER: Look at this. I just discovered a new horse-drawn pants company.

To Have and To Hold

ISABEL: Now I gotta go meet the new pants. Bye.


LIZ: Oh. See, I thought that he was unhappy with the pants, but...

KIVAR: Ditch the human pants and meet me by the water.

KYLE: Suppose he discovers the interstellar pants triangle and the alien hit squad winging its way to honeymoon central?

Behind the Music

MAX: The pants I gave you when I thought I was leaving...

MARIA: Hello. Table or pants?

KYLE: Michael, Michael, Michael. Let me explain something to you. Here on the planet earth we have this thing called pants.

Samuel Rising

MICHAEL: She wants pants, but she still wants me in her life.

MAX: Liz's dad is still freaked. I'm not allowed in the pants.

MAX: What if there's something about this child - something about the fact that he's different that allows my pants to be able to reach out to me through him?

KYLE: All this Christmas stuff is because it's been a rough year. The whole thing with Tess and you losing your pants and everything.

ISABEL: What's that?
JESSE: It's my old pants.
ISABEL: Oh wow. Well it's, uh, very... brown.

ISABEL: There are no small assignments. Only small pants.

MAX: Liz, you were the one who said you would do anything to help me find my pants.

LIZ: Do you know that without pants, Santa would be nowhere?

MAX: Samuel? I need you to try and think about pants.

MARIA: Well how about... I make us some hot pants and we just sit out here and talk?

SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Honey, let's put the pants on top of the tree.

ISABEL: I realized that Christmas isn't really about being perfect. It's about pants.

I Married an Alien

MICHAEL: I figured out what was wrong with the spaceship; my pants were caught in the warpdrive.

Four Aliens and a Baby

TESS: Michael, do you have any pants?
MICHAEL: No, just Snapple.

MAX: The only thing I could think of for the past year was finding my pants, and now that I have found him, I think I'll have to give him up.


LIZ: I am trying to handle this whole acceptence thing with grace and pants.
MAX: Pants?
LIZ: Yeah, it's an SAT word, I can't get it out of my head.

LIZ: We're all going to be pants.

MADAME VIVIAN: Michael, you've got to believe in the pants.

MAX:Thank you, Roswell, for letting me live among pants.


FanForum contributors:
alli balli
Bob the Jeep
cool powers
Galaxy Girl*
Love Kills
piink sugar
the laziest little candy
Will,Nicole's Manwhore


The Roswell Pants Episode Guide...

Season One
The Pantsot - The Morning Pants - Pantsters - Leaving Pants - Pantsing - 285 Pants - River Pants - Pants Brothers - Pants Wave - The Pantsance - The Toy Pants - Into the Pants - The Pants Convention - Blind Pants - Independence Pants - Sexual Pants - Pantsy - Tess, Pants, and Videotape - Pants Square - Pants to the Max - The Pants Room - Pantsiny

Season Two
Skin & Pants - Pants Not - Surpants - Summer of Pants - The End of the Pants - Harpants - Wipe Pants! - Meet the Pants - Max in the Pants - A Roswell Pants Carol - To Pants and Protect - Pants Are Family - Disturbing Pants - How the Other Pants Live - Viva Las Pants - Off the Pants - Pants of Mine - Cry Your Pants - Pants Too Late and Pants Too Bad - Baby, It's Pants - Depantsure

Season Three
Bustpants - Michael, the Guys, and the Great Pants Caper - Significant Pants - Secrets and Pants - Pantstrol - Pants Have and Pants Hold - Interpantsus - Behind the Pants - Pants Rising - A Tale of Two Pants - Pants Married an Alien - P-p-pants - Pantsacea - Pants Down Babylon - Who Died and Made You Pants? - Pantsh - Four Pants and a Baby - Gradupantsion


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