The Roswell Musical by Nicole Anell


Rating: G or perhaps PG... a few bits of profanity, but nothing that was never said on the air
Disclaimer: I'm not Jason Katims. I'm not Melinda Metz. I'm not anybody else who owns the rights to 'Roswell' and its characters. I am just a simple fan using them for my own amusement.
Disclaimer #2:I don't own the original versions of any of these songs I'm spoofing. Most of the time, the lyrics are totally out there, but other times they very closely resemble the actual songs. Don't get on my case over that either.
Disclaimer the Third: Finally, I owe some credit to Kara and Emily of "Roswell Elementary" fame. If there's a word like "dorkbutt" or "ex astra amor" or some other little reference to them I let slide by, I hope they don't hold it against me.
Spoilers: full Season One
Author's Notes:This is how I spent the summer of 2000. I mean, not the entire summer, just the portion of it being wasted on a family vacation to exotic Pennsylvania. This is the product of my Roswell-addled and corny-music-filled brain. You decide if you want to crucify or exalt me for it. Y'know, after I finish the sequel. Oh. There will be a sequel, I assure you.
Email me! Faith84@aol.com

~*~

Read it all or just skip down to: Opening Number: Roswellian Things | James Valenti | Marathon | Visitor | Space | Isabel | I Will Survive | I Won't Give You Anything But Love | Michael | Visions, a Sexual Healing Song | Crazy | The Boy Is Mine | I'm Late | If I Only Had a Soul | Jolly Holiday | Bittersweet Destiny

And remember guys, it's only funny when everybody sings along!

~*~

Opening number: Roswellian Things* (to the tune of "Summer Nights" from Grease)

MAX: I just stopped in for an Alien Blast
LIZ: I got shot, it happened so fast
MAX: I put my hand on the girl I cared for
LIZ: When I woke up, I wasn't dead anymore

See, for real
It's not a big deal
Just one of those Roswellian things

Tell me more, tell me more
ISABEL: Did anybody see you?
Tell me more, tell me more
MARIA: What on Earth did he do?

LIZ: I figured out he had something to hide
MAX: She saw my cells on a science lab slide
LIZ: He was sweet, for what it's worth
MAX: Kinda told her I was not-of-this-earth

See, for real
It's not a big deal
Just one of those Roswellian things

Tell me more, tell me more
MARIA: Is he made of green slime?
Tell me more, tell me more
MICHAEL: Are you out of your mind?

LIZ: There's no problem, well maybe just one
MAX: She's got a boyfriend and it's Valenti's son
LIZ: He took me out that night after work
MAX: And saw the silver thing under her shirt

See, for real
It's not a big deal
Just one of those Roswellian things

Tell me more, tell me more
ISABEL: Should we pack our bags now?
Tell me more, tell me more
MARIA: Kyle got in your shirt how?

MAX: She saw the sheriff but kept her mouth shut
LIZ: Least I could do since Max saved my butt
MAX: But now the Feds have her bloody dress
LIZ: And there's a dead guy with that mark on his chest

See, for real
It's not a big deal
Just one of those Roswellian things

Whoa whoa whoa

Tell me more, tell me more
MARIA: What makes Martians so mad?
Tell me more, tell me more
MICHAEL: So we might have a Dad?

(music gets all quiet)

LIZ: We were pretty unscathed in the end
MAX: And I'm glad that we can be friends
LIZ: Nothing more, that's sort of a shame
MAX: We're just different and that's not gonna change

Yeah, for real
It's not a big deal
Just- one of- those... Ros-well-i-an... thi-iiiings

James Valenti (to the tune of "My Sharona" by The Knack)

SHERIFF (backed up by a chorus):
Really just an Average Joe
In cowboy clothes
And a badge that says my name-
James Valenti!

I was everything but
UFO nut
But lately my mind has changed
James Valenti!

Since that girl got healed
Got this zeal
Aliens to find
I'm not all that bad
Like my dad
Sergeant Martian guy
James James James James James - whoo!
J-j-j-james Valenti

Don't watch everywhere they go
But if I know
There's no harm in following
James Valenti!

I'm cool when I don't take crap
From Men in Black
Guys like Stevens piss me off
James Valenti!

Don't get on my case
I'm a space-
Man enthusiast
Love my kid to death
Just forget
Sometimes he exists
James James James James James - whoo!
J-j-j-james Valenti

I am not a lunatic
Or small-town hick
I can tell when people deceive
Valenti!

Wannabe E.T. hunter
Like Fox Mulder
I'll make people want to believe
Valenti!

Fixed on one event
It makes sense
'Cause unhealthily
Strong obsessiveness
Is a gift
From my family tree
James James James James James - whoo!
J-j-j-james Valenti

Marathon (to the tune of "America" from West Side Story)

MICHAEL:
There's a weird house out in Marathon
Without a doubt it's in Marathon
The truth is out there in Marathon
285 South goes to Marathon

What if there's a link to our home
Inside a geodesic dome
I've got this key leading somewhere
All I need's a way to get there

MAX & ISABEL:
We can't be going to Marathon
People would know we're in Marathon
The answer is no about Marathon
MICHAEL: Then I'll go alone there in Marathon

MARIA:
Hey Spaceboy, you're now the subject
Of this queer history project
I'll give you a ride in my car
MICHAEL: Could you please repeat that last part

There's a weird house out in Marathon
Without a doubt it's in Marathon
The truth is out there in Marathon
285 South goes to Marathon

LIZ:
The weirdest phone call just came through
I thought I heard Michael in there too
Maria was worried and stressed out
Like he's taking her way out of town

ISABEL: Guess where they're going to MAX: Marathon?
ISABEL: Probably led her to Marathon
Have to go get her in Marathon
LIZ: Why take a Jetta to Marathon?

KYLE:
Technically I'm not her boyfriend
But I should still know where Liz went
She just took off with that Max jerk
SHERIFF: Excuse me, I left something at work

SHERIFF:
Now I know they went to Marathon
That's where this road ends in Marathon
TOPOLSKY:
Someone should be sent to Marathon
Just stick some agents in Marathon

MARIA: You're gonna make my mom's car break
MICHAEL You're giving me such a headache
MARIA: When we got pulled over I saved you
MICHAEL: Well I'm still starting to hate you

MARIA:
I'm hating you too in Marathon
I want to shoot you in Marathon
The loner thing suits you in Marathon
MICHAEL: You're not that cute here in Marathon

MARIA: I wanna go back to Roswell
MICHAEL: Shut up and get in the motel
MARIA: What if you get, like, a male urge?
MICHAEL: Not if you were the last girl on Earth

(suddenly the instrumental version of "Maria" from West Side Story with all the finger-snapping begins to play and they dance around to it for a little while; then it stops abruptly)

ISABEL: I hope nothing's been interrupted
LIZ: What happened to "I"m abducted"?
KYLE:
I want to know what my ex is
Doing here in freakin' Texas

MARIA: It looks like what it isn't in Marathon
LIZ: It's none of your business in Marathon
KYLE: I am not gonna miss you in Marathon
MICHAEL: Can we just see this thing in Marathon?

Visitor (to the tune of "I'm a Wanderer")

RIVER DOG (again, backed up by a chorus):
Yeah, he's the kinda guy who had to roam around
If he stayed in one place he'd just get hunted down
Government guys are nasty but I sorta see their point
'Cause then again he killed Atherton just before he blew this joint

And we called him the visitor
Yeah, visitor
From above, above, above, above, above

He left these freaky writings for you kids to find someday
But you probably wouldn't understand the language anyway
He also had these stones that might be of use to you
In case you ever die or turn into a cocoon

Just like the visitor
Yeah, the visitor
From above, above, above, above, above

Take it, Eddie! (instrumental)

One more thing to say to the brunette on the right
Before you leave the cave, I've got one bit of advice
Be careful who you trust, even those who know you best
Might turn around one day and put a handprint on your chest

'Cause your boyfriend's a visitor
Like the visitor
From above, above, above, above, above

Yeah, the visitor
Nasedo the visitor
From above, above, above, above, above

Space (to the tune of "Faith" - either the George Michael or Limp Bizkit version'll do)

MICHAEL:
Well I guess it could be nice
If I could touch your body
I really like your body
Without the Aqua Bra too
But I gotta think twice
Before anything I say
'Cause if I give too much away
I'll get attached to you

Oh and I'm not real good at, expressing emotion
Didn't know that's what relationships were for
At any minute, I could be in motion
So before I get indebted, I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have space
Gotta have space
Gotta have space
Gotta have space

Baby
I know I'm pushing you away
So take a hint and keep at bay
'Cause you make me feel ill
I don't
Want you to see into my mind
I'm scared of what you won't find
Or what you will

My life's not sneakers, and sad dalmations
And all I want to do is keep you safe
Right now you're just, a complication
Do the best thing for us both and just get out of my face

'Cause I gotta have space
Gotta have space
Gotta have space
Gotta have space

Isabel (to the tune of "Johnny Angel")

ALEX:
Isabe-el
Is a goddess
With hair of gold and nice brown eyes
And I know that she is even more beautiful inside
Isabe-el
Likes the movies
And she isn't always made of ice
And she answers my dumb questions about alien life

I really like her as insane as it seems
I knew it when I saw her in my dreams
Other ladies watch the stars in the sky
But when it's her and I
I feel like I could die with

Isabe-el
How I love her
And I hope one day that she'll love me
And together we can see how great Iz Evans can be

(repeat last verse and chorus)

I Will Survive (originally sung by Gloria Gaynor)

KYLE:
At first I was upset, I was really pissed
Kept thinking of things like the janitor's closet where we kissed
But then I spent some time alone, became a Sally Jesse guy
And I realize
I ought to apologize
And as for Max from outer space
I truly do feel bad my jock friends went and messed up his face
I should've just taken the hint, I should've gotten over you
If I knew I'd end up looking like some creepy stalker dude

Go to your Ex
Astra Amor
And I'll be cool now
I'm not a jackass anymore
Weren't you the one who dumped me right before your grandma died?
She's been in the ground two months and I still can't say goodbye

No, not I
I will survive
I don't wanna be seen as a rampaging jealous guy
There are tons of girls to kiss
Life doesn't start and end with Liz
I will survive

I've been such a possessive jerk
After you told me straight away that things between us wouldn't work
I thought you broke my heart and it would never mend
But now I'm wondering if we can work towards being friends

Go to your Ex
Astra Amor
And I'll be cool now
I'm not a jackass anymore
I understand I don't own you, I never was your master
And the new guy's not so bad, kind of funny when he's plastered

So now I
I will survive
I don't wanna be seen as a rampaging jealous guy
There are tons of girls to kiss
Life doesn't start and end with Liz
I will survive
I will survive
I! Will! Surviiiive!

I Won't Give You Anything But Love (to the tune of "I Can't Give You Anything But Love")

SHERIFF:
I won't give you anything but love, Amy
That's the only thing I'm thinking of, Amy
Promise to
Not use you
To get your daughter's friends
Just want this
A little kiss
And maybe some free alien tchotchkes

I'm the down-to-earth girl kinda guy, Amy
Sick of cryptic blondes from the FBI, Amy
All I want is you and your pies, Amy
And I won't give you anything but love

AMY:
I've got an awful history with men, Sheriff
Have this habit where I'm rushing in, Sheriff
This poor town's
A singles drought
I get desperate
Hippie mom
With a kooky job
Gets stuck with a guy who's arrested me

I admit your charms sometimes distract... Jimmy
Though you run before I can react, Jimmy
I've always said that opposites attract, Jimmy
So I won't give you anything but love

Michael (to the tune of "My Girl")

MARIA:
He's a tough guy
In a creepy way
But he send these vibes
That are kinda okay
Mystery man
My Czechoslavakian
Michael
Talkin' 'bout Michael

He quotes James Joyce
But flunks out of school
He can't fix a car
But his napkin holder's cool
Sometimes we fight
He's still got that dorkbutt side
Michael
My boyfriend Michael

He acts all macho
Like any human guy
Mr. "Stone Wall"
But I've seen him cry
Someplace we'll go
Better than New Mexico
With Michael
My boyfriend Michael

Visions: Sexual Healing Song - that's a warning (to the tune of "Fever")

MAX: Always knew how much I loved you
Always wanted you to hold
'Cause when you put your arms around me
I can see straight into your soul

You give me visions
When you kiss me
Visions when we get intense
Visions
Of your dreams and memories
Way beyond the cupcake dress

LIZ:
I don't know where all this comes from
And I don't know where all this leads
If I can help you get some answers
Then I'll do anything you need
My mother who I love would kill me
If I don't die from a glowing rash
But on the other hand, just take your shirt off
I'd like to get another flash

You give me visions
Of red giants
Every time you brush my hand
Visions
Like the army
And something buried in the sand

Crazy (to the tune of "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger)

TOPOLSKY:
I was bad and I was evil
Working as a counselor of guidance
I did a good job of hidin'
The undercover agent in me
Kicked the sheriff in the head and
Gave poor Alex Whitman a nosebleed
The little bastard exposed me
And sent me flying back to D.C.
And I'll never be okay again

I was mighty but then I fell
Now I'm in shock
I've been in hell

Not afraid of death or plague
Apocalypse, destruction, or doom
Because I've been in the white room
And I'm not even the enemy
Put me in a hospital in
Maryland, they had to commit me
'Cause now the government owns me
And everyone acts like I'm a Section Eight
That's just great

Oh, was mighty but then I fell
Now I'm in shock
I've been in hell
I was mighty but then I fell
And now I'm back
Here in Roswell

Hi
You're running out of luck
The Special Unit sucks
Don't mess with Pierce or you'll
Get really hurt and maybe die
And that would not be right
'Cause you're my last lifeline
To a semi-sane mind
Semi-sane mind
Mind...

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's coming to get you
Pretend I never met you
You're not on any FBI list, you're normal kids
If I risk my life like this
And get that other orb thingy can it
Just take me back to your planet
Far away from that deputy or he'll kill me

Oh, was mighty but then I fell
Now I'm in shock
I've been in hell
I was mighty but then I fell
So now I'm back
Here in Roswell

The Boy Is Mine (originally by Brandy and Monica)

LIZ AND TESS:
You need to give it up
I've had about enough
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine

LIZ:
I think it's time we got this clear
So you can hussy on out of here
Here's a quarter, buy a clue
Max is so not into you
TESS:
Wake up and smell the cherry coke
Your relationship's a joke
Someday I'll have his sexy bod
For we are two peas from a pod

TESS:
In our former royal life
I was Max's friggin' wife
You must respect the *destiny*
He can't take his eyes off me
LIZ:
Maybe he just had to stare
At all that drag makeup you wear
When you first showed up, acting dense
And interrupting people mid-sentence

BOTH:
You need to give it up
I've had about enough
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine
Shut up about your fate
We really are soulmates
He's in love with me
The boy is mine

TESS:
In his fantasies all day
We did it the human way
You think you fill him with desire?
I made him set his shirt on fire
LIZ:
It's not his fault about the flames
Manipulation was to blame
He gets bad thoughts of me just fine
Without me screwing with his mind

LIZ:
Why do we even have to fight?
You flirt with everyone in sight
Let go of Max 'cause I am his
You can still have Kyle or Is
TESS:
Why can't I get through to you?
He kissed me right in your plain view
He's engineered to be my guy
Little metal books don't lie

BOTH:
You need to give it up
I've had about enough
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine
Shut up about your fate
We really are soulmates
He's in love with me
The boy is mine

LIZ: You talk and over-enunciate
TESS: I just want to compensate
LIZ: What are you tryink to say?
TESS: Trying's I-N-G, not I-N-K

(they start bitch-fighting)

LIZ: That's it, you little alien ho
TESS: Alright, bring it on, let's go
LIZ: You've made your last sugar cube design
TESS: Whatever, the boy's still mine

BOTH:
You need to give it up
I've had about enough
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine
Shut up about your fate
We really are soulmates
He's in love with me
The boy is mine

I'm Late (from Disney's Alice in Wonderland)

ISABEL:
I'm late, I'm late
And Michael's, like, my mate
Something weird is happening
I'm late I'm late I'm late I'm late

Please no, no stork
I'll take that Alex dork
If it'll make me forget all
This fate I hate I hate

How will I explain to Mom I'm pregnant from a dream?
If this gets in Weekly World News, I swear I'm gonna scream

Oh God, I'm screwed
I don't know what I'll do
If that V signal means my stick turned blue
I'm late I'm late I'm late

If I Only Had a Soul (to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain" from The Wizard of Oz)

NASEDO:
I wouldn't have a pregnant chick axed
Cut down on all the Tictacs
And love I'd surely know
I could be sweet and cute and
Not have attitude with humans
If I only had a soul

If being good and decent
Were an Olympic event
Then I would win the gold
I'd be fuzzy, I'd be kitschy
And my daughter'd be less bitchy
If I only had a soul

Oh I
Would tell you I
Sometimes do bad because I care
But I admit I also like to scare
Besides I'm hot - as Jason Behr

I'd be on the niceness A-list
I wouldn't be a sadist
Not act evil and cold
I'd be kind to all the world and
Not make out with Max's girlfriend
If I only had a soul

Jolly Holiday (from Mary Poppins)

MAX:
Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Lizzie
Lizzie makes the Earth feel true
When you're feeling tortured, scared, and dizzy
Lizzie's face can get you through

Sometimes she's enough to make me human
Even though I come from skies above
With Lizzie in this mess
I'm not depressed
She's so much nicer than that bimbo Tess
Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Lizzie
No wonder that it's Lizzie that I love

LIZ:
Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Maxwell
The thought of him just makes me grin
I thought life was boring here in Roswell
Until Max Evans let me in

Never would I ever have imagined
That running for my life could be this fun
But everything is fine
When Max is mine
I want to be his dreamgirl till the end of time
Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Maxwell
No wonder that it's Maxwell that I love

Bittersweet Destiny (to the tune of "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve)

EVERYBODY:
We had a bittersweet finale this May
For a while it seemed like everything was okay
Nasedo helped us out once he came back to life
And Valenti figured out he could be on the Good Guy side

Really it was strange it was strange it was strange
Pierce is dead and that's good
Kyle's not and that's good
And we might never have to worry about police anymore
It was great, but no
No no no no no

There is this bittersweet destiny in the cave, yeah
And apparently there's an entire planet to save, yeah
It's amazing to find out who we're supposed to be now
But not when it means we have to go fight Howie D. now

I know it could change it could change it could change
'Cause we did get renewed
At least we got renewed
And there's a million different ways this could turn out for the best
It could change, I hope
No no no no no

MARIA AND MAX:
It's just a bittersweet reason to ask why
So many people say I love you then goodbye
Our 'ships go down the same old road they've often been down
You know the one that takes you straight back to It's Not Safe Town

I know it seems insane it's insane it's insane
MICHAEL: We make sense, so I'll go
LIZ: We're in love, so I'll go
And there are some things that are much better done on your own
It's insane, I know
No no no no no

CURTAIN CALLS! CLEAR THE SET! THE END!

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