More of a Roswell Episode Guide

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Season Three

Busted - God Save The Kink
'Roswell' is never what it seems, I've been told. It may seem like Liz and Max may face an actual consequence for something, like Michael has some sort of important relationship to Maria, like there's more than just one non-white guy in New Mexico, like Isabel is not a complete slut, and like the Evans parents are not too bright. But this premiere works real hard to prove all that wrong.

Poor Max is just about to proudly take on the noble title of Deadbeat Dad, but then his baby boy starts contacting him, Tess and Nasedo leave behind one of the BIGGEST CHADS EVER, and he and Liz end up in a Utah jail for the crime of gun-totin'.

In other news - Liz does a chaste, dorky striptease, proving that although no one seems to remember Alex anymore, his spirit lives on. A convenience store hosts a government-owned spaceship and UPN-owned product placements. I was going to comment on the new villains too, and I promise I will as soon as I stop laughing.

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Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper - If I Had a Million Dollars, I'd Buy You a Better Show
But alas, I'm just as broke as the poor 'Roswell' executives who so clearly had to pay for this episode using a grant from the title's soft drink mega-corporation. Michael needs financial aid too, and you'd think his new roommate Max could lend him some of the money he used to rent that frickin' hang-glider, but no no no. Instead, Spaceboy gets a nightshift security guard job, makes some working-class buddies, and gets them all fired with his wacky poker-playing, iced-tea-sipping hijinks. It leads to the uncovering of a pointless theft and an even more pointless cameo from good old deputy Hanson. Meanwhile, he's-really-not-the-Sheriff Valenti shows off his "country stylings", much to Kyle's chagrin. Those crazy kids with their rock guitars and their beers and their mountains of wasted talent.

Anything else? Oh yes. Isabel and new guy Jesse "secretly" make out in a public grocery store, and Max and Liz "secretly" make out in her parent's restaurant and home. No mention of Alex. No mention of Tess. But 17 appearances of the word "Snapple". I love this show.

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Significant Others - Rumors Of My Death Have Been Slightly Exaggerated
NOTE: To honor the revelation that Liz Parker is a poem, I have decided to present this episode description in haiku form...

Jesse has a ring
Alex enthused, yet still dead
Isabel is torn

Max and Liz in love
Her strict dad once killed some girl
Pity no one cares

More Snapple for Mike
Bowling fun with guys from work
And Kyle too - bonus

Proposal. Yes. Kiss.
Hey, is that Remy Zero?
I need a stiff drink

*******

Secrets & Lies - Worst. Episode. EVER.
Alas, poor Joey the Hitman. We knew him, well, for two scenes. The titular "secret" or "lie" was that the baddie was merely an actor forced to play a meaningless, poorly written, two-dimensional role because he naively thought it would jumpstart his career, plus he's either too lazy or damn untalented to seek employment elsewhere. Oops, my mistake, I was thinking of the entire cast of Roswell.

So one little tapping-finger theory and Liz is suddenly Miss Deductive Reasoning (i.e. she jumps to ridiculous conclusions that turn out to be true). Base form? Dailies? A senile man with an alien obsession raving, "They are among us," holds deep relevance? Alright Liz, I'll deal with that and I'll put up with your earring/eyeliner combination that makes you look like a gypsy raccoon, but please just leave the Valentis alone. They're doing fine. Go back to your own dysfunctional family, with the drunk driver and mopey neglected mom. Or join the Evans in theirs, where a son with an arrest record can't be bothered to contact his ever-doting mom, a little girl was once allowed to dress as Madonna, and parents are horrified to learn their daughter is marrying a slightly older man they all know and respect.

Plot? Oh yeah, the plot. Max journeys to LA and pretends he can't act (no comment) when he auditions for Jonathan Frakes! and John Billingsley! on the Paramount! lot for Enterprise! and my God! It's a big hilarious in-joke! Liz keeps tabs on her boyfriend by talking to him constantly over a cell phone. I hope he's got a free weekend plan. And I hope it's a weekend. Otherwise, they're all missing a lot of classes. As the episode drags on, we meet Joey's informative goomar and a weaselly agent who thinks Max will be able to ride his pretty face to glory. And we find a possible new EVIL, a Big Bad, a shapeshifter who managed to work his way up from "that guy who holds the snappy thing at the beginning of camera takes" to "famous Hollywood producer" without even shifting his shape.

*******

Control - The One After The Buffy Musical
In case you dozed off last week (all ten viewers sheepishly raise their hands) the new shapeshifter is Cal Langley, and he hates Max with a fiery intensity almost equal to mine. Sadly, he's genetically incapable of killing or disobeying the king, but he's not programmed to avoid, say, holding him down and stepping on his face repeatedly. Go Langley! Way to loophole!

In LA, Max - a.k.a. Mr. Selfish, Ungrateful, Low-rent Tom Cruise With a $10 Haircut (again, go Langley) - still won't call his mother, tries to leave the planet without even a goodbye to the supposed love of his life, acts like he's lord and master of his older sister, has a truly frightening power trip when he realizes he can order his protector around, and has no concept of rational thinking. And if that isn't enough, he ultimately destroys the life of my new boyfriend Cal Langley, whose only crime was loving Earth and lemons. And the face-stepping thing.

In Roswell, Maria comforts the gypsy raccoon, who's still receiving the blunt end of Max's idiocy. Isabel clashes with her mother and friends and, well, everyone because she and Jesse have decided to skip over that pesky "planning" and "getting to know each other" phase, and dammit, they're getting married right NOW! And rescue workers continue to search the abandoned WB lot for Michael's spine, as he tries to talk to Isabel into not getting quite so matrimonial, but ends up still being his usual sensitive, supportive, in-touch-with-his-inner-alien-hatchling self.

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To Have and To Hold - It's A Nice Day For A Trite Wedding
I wasn't lying last week. Isabel is literally marrying Jesse "right now", and she's doing it in Psychotic Planning Nazi From Hell mode. There's a problem with the dress, and with the flowers, and so on. And as for problems that couldn't have just been fixed with the wave of an alien hand, believe you me they've got those too. Max and Michael don't like Jesse, which they prove by grilling him about his educational career, jabbing him in the arm with a pin for a blood sample, and breaking his nose. Okay, Max is the only one who does that last part. Obviously.

On a softer note, Isabel's parents don't approve of the marriage, but her mother eventually volunteers her heirloom wedding dress. Also, Isabel asks Valenti to give her away at the aisle, but her own father steps in at the last minute. Valenti seems oddly relieved, either because (A) Bill Sadler wants to promote some more of that V/I fanfic he really enjoys or (B) if the girl's anything like his last surrogate alien daughter, she's liable to go and kill one of the Kit Shickers.

The couple finally says "I do", and everyone finally realizes that Isabel is free to live the life of any capable, trustworthy young woman who happens to be slowly going insane. Because throughout her long three days of wedding planning, she had supposedly sexy dreams about talking to her hot alien lover Kivar, mostly without either of them opening their mouths or coming within seven feet of each other. The surprise ending: Hey, they got Ivy to play! I mean, Kivar has come to Earth! But trust me, the Ivy part was just as predictable and much more exciting.

*******

Interruptus - Take My Wife. Please.
Kivar crashes Isabel's newlywed lovefest, possessing not only some poor human's body, but also the level of common sense that has him call himself "Kevin" but then drone on about his palaces and warring families in front of Jesse. Luckily, Jesse is Max's mom, Season 1 Kyle, and Jason Katims rolled into one: the überdimwit. Faced with some truly awful explanations, hybrid sex, the sight of an interplanetary transporter, and his possessed wife knocking him out with a tree branch, Jesse just doesn't see anything strange going on. The audience isn't given that luxury.

Nor are Max and Liz's fathers, who realize there's a mystery afoot. They become the best o' secret buddies, working together to investigate Max's little blond ex-girlfriend who can't be found. Valenti displays a disturbing ability to lie very well, while Kyle takes a wordless moment of what I'm almost certain was Tess-related emotional pain. A mercifully eyeshadow-light Liz stumbles off the set and right into the writer's boardroom, finding several descriptive notes that say things like TESS and UTAH and WHAT IS MAX HIDING? tacked to a bulletin board.

Back at the honeymoon/golfing resort in La Jolla, Max and Michael march in to kick some tyrant ass. I'm confronted by a "careful what you wish for" situation, as Michael has a sudden outbreak of something approaching his old personality, only way too enthusiastic about violence and scuba diving. The alien guys get there all ready to rumble, and Kivar is just not even bothering, and they're all, "Come on, we wanna fight," and he's all, "No, go away, Vilandra's in love with me," and they're all, "She's Isabel and she so is not," and Isabel's all, "I really am and my name is Vilandra, losers," and they're all, "Nuh-uh, not even," and she's all, "Totally," and this goes on until Isabel gets herself un-possessed at the last second and sends Kivar's soul off the planet in a little bubble of CGI.

*******

Behind the Music - 80% New Footage
This episode takes so many visual cues from past seasons, I almost feel we need the exposition. So Previously On Roswell: Maria was creeped out by aliens until Michael kissed her, then he turned the cute kind of mean and dumped her, then he turned into a wet little puppy in need of love, then he was hindered by his Destiny, then he suddenly wasn't, then they danced at the prom. Max slept with the enemy, an act that incited the wrath of an untold number of viewers who aren't me. Alex and the Evans family Jeep were both murdered for reasons that still don't entirely make sense. Maria had a pixie cut and a dream.

We learn that this one time at band camp, Maria met Billy Darden. Now he's passing through Roswell to convince her that she needs to go back to obeying her 13-year-old philosophy and writing music. Majandra Delfino drops the Phil Collins abuse and gets to sing her own songs, but not until a producer offscreen warns, "Put the synthesizer away and pick up that acoustic guitar, young lady. And watch the swearing."

Since Billy has the exact kind of unshaven bad-boy sexy look that Max is so miserably failing to attain, Michael gets insane with jealousy and loses control of the alien power known as "not breaking things." By the time Billy's gone, Maria has resumed her musical passion and (gently) kicked her Snapple-loving man to the curb... because she loves him too much. Hmm. Cool S1 finale role-reversing there. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

Somewhere less interesting, Max's dad finds the charred corpse of the Jeep, Isabel is labeled a "conspirator" in black permanent marker, and Jesse may or may not be having lots of sex.

*******

Samuel Rising - Santa And Snowflake Are Doing It! They're DOING IT!
And Jason Behr shaved his face! He shaved! Santa got my letter! Now everything can be just like last year's Christmas, except there's now a large void where Tess used to be, and it's shoddily filled with Jesse. You know the drill - the Christmas Nazi, the desert snowfall, the temporary reconciliation of all Conventional Couples, the Lilith Fair renditions of holiday standards, etc.

The highlights: Isabel's heart grows three sizes when she learns the concept of "mellowing out". Michael tries to win back Maria by being the worst Santa Claus to ever don a red suit, sunglasses, and a totally unnecessary 'tude around little kids. Kyle continues his third season role as the guy who only exists to get mad at his father, while the elder Valenti romances someone who is not Amy and looks kinda like Monica Reyes from The X-Files. I never ever want to see her again.

Of course, this episode just wouldn't be complete without Special Children. How special? The kind that make ugly stockings and continue to hang them on their mantles two decades later. The kind that inexplicably loathe elves. The kind that want to date Jim Valenti. And finally, this one named Samuel who suffers from autism, but one day walks up to Max and calls him "Daddy." Though Samuel is hella cute, he isn't channeling Max's alien son. He can't even be healed by a glowing hand this time around. Yet Max does help him and his family, by way of forcing Isabel to help him and his family. Okay, FINE, it's sweet. I liked it. I said "awww". I wanted to give a big hug to Samuel. But then I remembered he doesn't let people touch him, so I settled for waiting under the mistletoe for the guy who put a Norelco razor under Max's tree. If you hurry, I might also go to second base with whoever hid Liz's costume jewelry. Season of giving, you know.

*******

A Tale Of Two Parties - New Year's Rockin'... Um, Day
The cool place to be for the New Year in Roswell is some secret hidden party called 'Enigma'. But Liz is the poor little Cinderella kept from the ball, forced to attend her family's personal holiday, dubbed The Night We Let Liz Have No Fun At All. She cleans, she line-dances, and she calls Bingo for senior citizens, one of whom talks about phone sex. But she gets in the resolution spirit in the end and decides to be kind to her father out of the goodness in her heart.

Speaking of hearts and goodness and Liz's dad, Valenti convinces him Max is a nice kid. I wonder if maybe my resolution should be to give him a second chance too. I like Valenti and Liz's dad and the idea of a neverending beer keg. I could like Max too! 2002 will see a kinder, gentler Nicole! I'll even go back to being a Dreamer! Or, okay, not. But Max/Maria shippage... that I could do. Anything's possible if I found a place inside my cold black soul where I don't mind that Kyle's suddenly in love with Isabel. If I act like him and disregard every single thing that's happened in the past, and I concentrate in slow-motion on what she's doing *right this second*, I sorta like Isabel too.

By the end, Michael's gotten drunk on sheer continuity and gone into some sensory overload state, leaving Max and Maria to find 'Enigma' by themselves. They make it to the mysterious rave. It's a big sparkler. That's it. There are about 10 people there, all of whom are from that special breed of Loser that has nothing better to do on December 31st than a scavenger hunt, let alone one that can only be solved by those with an extensive knowledge of local fast food. But, we're assured, this is the cool place to be, much more fun than the geriatric line-dancing or the frat house ass-grabbing. Only... well, it's not more fun than the ass-grabbing. Or the line-dancing. Or the horny old lady's phone sex. Come on, people. It's just a big sparkler.

*******

I Married An Alien - Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered
I'd like to call this a filler stand-alone episode. But I just scrolled up my own guide and realized that label could be given to at least the last four. So I guess no more mythology for Roswell. It's like even the writers got that email from Crashdown.com that said the show was cancelled, and then that email the next day that said it really wasn't, and then those fifty people telling them on forums that it probably really is, and so they don't want to risk doing anything new. Talk about forgetting one's balls. (rim shot)

Still dealing with his Maria issues and the sudden absence of all those friends he had at the beginning of the season, Michael plot-devices his way into an obsession with '60s sitcoms like "Bewitched". Isabel fully embraces schizophrenia and starts living a double life in her head. In one world, she's still normal Isabel. In the other, she's a character in an ultra-cheesy TV show called "I Married An Alien" wherein Jesse knows her secret. The action alternates rather snappily between both worlds, so we get a whole lotta smiles and laugh-tracks and campy spaceships. Sadly, Jim Valenti is still trapped in a third alternate dimension called the opening credits, and he never appears anywhere else.

But as for those who do: Kyle wears leather, Liz goes on doe-eyed-robot overload (don't flame me! she's doing it on purpose!), Michael shows some scary front teeth, Jesse eats the bright cardboard scenery, Maria's wacky wardrobe is totally indistinguishable from what she wore last season, and Max is a big pouty joykill.

In the "real world", Jesse's reporter friend Eric uncovers more in a week than the FBI did in the entire first season, and he ends up with the conclusion that Max, Michael, and Isabel are aliens. Jesse uses his legal know-how to prevent him from writing an article about it, but then goes so apeshit over the fact that Eric LIED TO HIM that Isabel forgets her own balls right there and decides not to really tell Jesse the truth anytime soon.

*******

Ch-Ch-Changes - But Liz... When I Slept With Her, We Were ON A BREAK!
Liz discovers that Max healing her is finally showing some physical side effects. She sets things on fire, little green sparks course through her body, and she hallucinates so much she messes up her college interview, totally blowing her chance at Harvard. Kyle is concerned, because that could be him in a year. Except for the Harvard part. And the part where this show's still on the air.

Fearing Liz will die, Max tries to magnify his power and put his hand on her lower stomach and levitate her, but it hurts, but he wants to keep going, but she wants him to stop, but just a little more, and my GOD I'm still getting over the rape imagery that just totally destroyed any hope that I'd ever like Max again. My mind is made up now. My mind said "ick". And then it added "uch".

Liz goes hysterical afterwards and lets out a little rant, in which it turns out she's still holding the Tess sex against him. Blah blah, unfaithful blah, Max is always hurting her. She takes off to a Vermont boarding school to work out her problems, but assures him she loves him in the Dear John letter she leaves. I'm pretty sure that was a letter and not her journal, because she didn't tell him the date and her name first.

Oh, and Valenti and Maria perform the worst and most perverse rendition of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" I've ever heard. And I've heard some bad ones. I sang some bad ones. Based on that alone, she's offered the chance to record a demo in New York by some record executives who look like they time-warped out of the '70s and forgot the retro look was last week's theme. A signed contract and some casual sex with Michael later, she finds out they want to give her pretty acoustic song a dance beat. Now she's all torn over her Music and her Principles and not wanting to sing a pop song. Somewhere in the distance, the remaining members of the Whits are all banging their heads into a wall.

*******

Panacea - You Can't Mock A Title When You Don't Know What It Means And You're Too Lazy To Pick Up A Dictionary
So Liz goes to boarding school really hoping to fit in, what with the twelve little girls in the two straight lines (so straight, I imagine, because they're not smoking nearly as much pot as the spoilers once suggested). But poor Liz - er, "Beth" - is afraid to be herself. She learns her lesson from her smart-mouthed and vaguely lesbian new roommate, who ends up bonding with her and gabbing about prison records over a nice flask of alcohol. Liz is a bad girl! And a strangely empowered one all of a sudden. Meanwhile, Maria has come so far from her Christina Aguilera Phase of season one that she can turn her back on fame, limos, and New York City to avoid performing not-entirely-bad pop songs against her conscience.

Speaking of singing, Valenti gives the Kit Shickers a rest for five seconds so he can get a real job. He has to solve the murder of Michael's friend, Bill Haverchuck from "Freaks and Geeks". Jeez, the cute pathetic losers just never get a break on "Roswell". First Alex and now this. Anyway, one CSI-style investigation later, it turns out that Bill was killed in a conspiracy from within Michael's own Snapple factory, or wherever the hell he's working. And the conspiracy is run by Morgan Fairchild. Yeah. It really is. I didn't make that up. She's evil, and married to a decrepit old man who she wants an alien to heal. Still not making this up. She kidnaps Valenti, who then gets shot and healed by Max, because Lord knows we've never seen that before. For an encore, Max is forced at gunpoint to heal the old decrepit guy. He does it, and by a wacky twist of fate, the action makes Max himself rapidly grow old and die. Yep, that's true also. Max died. He's dead now. And my pathetic loser theory? Still standing.

*******

Chant Down Babylon - You Have To KILL The One You LOVE To Shut Her UP!
Drama Queen Isabel just won't give her dead brother a moment in the spotlight, throwing herself in front of a bullet so everyone can mourn over her pale wounded body instead. Jesse finally finds out he married an alien, and he defends her against yet another low-life substance-abusing friend. This one's a Bob Marley-quoting doctor who lost his license but kept just enough medical equipment around to give Isabel a 50/50 chance of recovery. Kyle tries to heal her himself with his non-existent alien powers, and then he briefly breaks down crying at her bedside in what is officially the best scene of this whole godforsaken season. Michael cries too and accidentally pulls Isabel back into consciousness, just by the power of love. Or the power of reminding her he owes her money from ten years ago.

Meanwhile, Liz is boozing it up and fighting with Maria in Vermont, until she comes face to face with... Max? Oh crap, he's back. It's really the healed old man Clayton, appropriately horrified to discover he's absorbed Max's looks. Just before he gets to 'cement' with Morgan Fairchild, he feels Max's spirit in his head. He wants Liz. Still. Always. Why isn't he dead? I don't know.

Morgan Fairchild yells clichés at Clayton!Max until he goes into a murderous rage and snaps her neck. Then he heads to the boarding school and strangles Maria for a few seconds. Then he chases Liz up the attic, and Max gains control of his body to tell her that she has to kill him. She tries to hit him with a golf club but misses (dammit Liz!) and both of them end up falling out the window (never mind. good girl.) Their lives flash before their eyes in one of those romantic montages where the writers are just begging everyone to forget the entirety of season two. Max breaks Liz's fall with the alien shield he should've used a week ago. So Liz lives. Maria lives. Isabel lives. But at least... no, wait, Max is alive again too. Why? I still don't know.

*******

Who Died And Made You King? - Shine On, You Crazy Michael
In the casa de Ramirez, Jesse horribly inconveniences Isabel by remaining freaked out by her alien identity. He has nightmares, moves out of the house, and starts seeing a therapist played by The Mayor from Buffy. He tells the doctor he's married into the mafia. The mafia in New Mexico is run by eighteen-year-olds.

The Godfather is Max, who says loud and proud in an early scene that he's willing to forget about his unimportant obligations (e.g. saving the planet, taking responsibility for his missing infant son) and just focus on sharing miniature golf happiness with Liz. Just when he seems like the worst leader of all time, Michael suddenly undergoes a stunning transformation into - the worst leader of all time. Due to the king's too-good-to-be-true demise, Michael has the Royal Seal Of Antar (yes, that's exactly what they call it) implanted in his chest. Michael goes power-mad and psychotic, and the results are entertaining as hell. Remember pre-hiatus I said the best scene this year was Kyle's tears for dying Isabel? Screw. That. It's when Michael stops taking Maria's season three crap and tells her to just shut up. Then he says Max should've stayed dead. Then he tries to kill Jesse. I don't know where this Michael came from, but I now have a crush on him.

The only really bad thing he does is threaten Dr. Mayor to stop seeing Jesse. The rattled shrink goes running to the proper authorities, and the next thing you know Jesse is being interrogated by the FBI. In an rare display of logic, it turns out the people who survived the Special Unit still totally remember Max is an alien. They aren't doing anything about it except sitting around collecting glossy photos of dead people with handprints, but they're still a threat. I guess. Whatever. Jesse reunites with Isabel, not so much out of love or trust or belief in the sanctity of marriage, but more because Jesse ends up killing a federal agent and he needs help destroying the evidence and smashing the body into itty pieces. Isn't it romantic? Oh, and Max and Michael do battle, Max eventually getting his kingly powers back so he can resume his rightful place as the once and future mean dumbass. It looks better on him anyway.

*******

Crash - The Adventures Of The Most Flexible Halloween Mask Ever
As this episode opens, Liz rubs her bare foot against Max's leg and comes into contact with his crotch. I black out for twenty minutes. When I come to, a military jet has collided with a UFO.

Michael witnesses the crash and the subsequent government cover-up. Feeling a little more compassionate than he did last week, he throws himself into the life of Young Blond Guest Star. Awww, I missed her. She's not crazy or evil this time. But she still can't act. Young Blond Guest Star (this week she's "Connie") is the daughter of the jet's pilot. She and her father are now in danger, because the United States armed forces are scary and evil and have tons of established protocol measures for killing innocent people. Michael vows to help Connie, and in the process he sets the universe right again by proving he really is the best man in charge of a plan, even without that stupid crazy-making alien seal.

The aliens and co. suck helium, get another bad human killed, and ultimately save the day. Michael sneaks into a military base by using his powers and a storebought alien mask to disguise himself. Max goes with him, but doesn't even consider that he might want to put on a mask and disguise his own face. He wouldn't even have to manipulate it. He could say he's Richard Nixon. Or Beavis. Or anybody on the planet who's head is not plastered on every government-issued milk carton with the label: MAX EVANS. WHITE ROOM ALIEN. FIND AND DESTROY. ((this message has been brought to you by the Now-Active Special Unit, in association with MetaChem, Kivar, the Skins, the Dupes, Cal Langley, Howie D, and his own father))

Elsewhere, Isabel bonds with her mother. But are Mr. and Mrs. Evans in cahoots? Will they plant a camera on Isabel when she sleeps over? Will Isabel fail to notice the camera all night and day? Will she throw a gratuitous hissy fit with her powers in front of the camera? But of course. And that, my friends, after three years of can-we-trust-mom-and-dad-to-know-our-real-selves teen angst metaphors, is how the Evans clan lets the skeletons out of their closet. It flies them around the room like a tornado. Is that a metaphor?

*******

Four Aliens and a Baby - It's Alive! Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
Tess returns to Earth with Max's infant son and manages, by great coincidence, to crash-land her spaceship in the very same small town we've been stuck in for three seasons. She briefly stops to murder 16 presumably-innocent people who mildly threatened the baby (Hey, did you hear? Tess is BAD!) before heading back to her old friends for some help. But it is no happy reunion. Even though Tess does penance by giving exposition about Kivar with a straight face, everyone still treats her like... well, like you'd expect Tess to be treated if she somehow manifested herself directly into a Roswell chatroom full of Dreamers and Alex fans. Liz is violent, Kyle is nasty, Max is self-righteous, Maria is bitchy, and Michael interacts with Tess for the first time ever so he can repeatedly threaten to kill her.

Even the state of New Mexico turns mean, buzzing with helicopters and running bloodhounds around to track her down. This doesn't bode well for the safety of the other aliens, so everybody votes on whether or not to just turn Tess in to the Scary Evil Government. The Valentis can't do it because they still have souls. Max can't do it because he remembers the White Room. Liz can't do it because the script suddenly tells her she can't. Moved by this display of contriv- I mean "compassion" - Tess finally decides to pull One Last Redemptive Act. But she wants an audience first, so she convinces Liz (who I'm just going to pretend was either drowsy, drunk, or mindwarped) to get into a car with her, all alone in the middle of the night. Then not only does Tess sacrifice her life to save them all, she also confesses that Max was thinking about Liz when the condom broke. All is forgiven. Liz can't stay mad at Tess when she's lonely and dead.

Also of interest (to someone, I'm sure), the Evans parents are in shock for all of twelve seconds when they find out their kids are aliens, but they accept it and move on. Max finds out his own kid is human and puts him up for adoption before you can say "flimsy genealogical reasoning". Of course he doesn't send his perfectly healthy human baby off forever without saying goodbye. He uses his powers to ensure little Zan will have a "memory". Not to mention a large quantity of Cadmium X in his brain, which if you aren't too careful leads to sparky hands and alien powers and sometimes embolism and death. Yeah, thanks Daddy. Way to give him a "normal life". Idiot.

*******

Graduation - Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way- No, On Second Thought, Let It Hit You

(try humming Pomp and Circumstance, the graduation song, as you read the following... I thought I could make this appropriately "final" and make up for writing it so late if it was a musical synopsis)

Liz is really happy... That Tess is now dead... But heavy-petting with Max... Puts visions in her head... Using her new powers... She prevents tragedy... So they won't all be shot by... The evil U.S. army

Kyle has a dead-end job... Valenti gets a life... Jesse's dumped one last time... By his crazy wife... Maria feels abandoned... She bitches and whines... Finally ends up with Michael... I have no clue why

They graduate high school... Though they rarely went... Max's speech of distraction... Refuses to end... Liz finishes her journal... Gives it to her dad... So he'll know how she is now... Married to an alien and glad

Liz, Kyle, Maria... Iz, Michael, and Max... Decide they must leave town... And never come back... Max gives up his throne but... Thinks he's Superman... When the series closes... They all live in a van

Yes at the end, I swear to God... They all live in a van!

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