Disclaimer: I wish.
Author's Notes: Originally posted on a "How would you end the show?" thread on FanForum. This is the slightly extended version.
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In the teaser, the most talented member of the Kit Shickers is found murdered under mysterious circumstances. No, not Valenti. God. Don't scare me like that. Another talented guy. The Kit Shickers never perform again.
Because it was the Kit Shickers bass player, everyone suspects Tess is responsible, and they start looking for her again.
Tess is secretly back on Earth with her baby, who is cute times ten. His name actually is "Spot". It's a very popular name on Antar. So there.
Also the baby is really Alex's. Because if those two weren't totally getting it on, then who was Leanna, huh? Really. You non-fifthwheelers. So delusional.
Kyle finally comes out of the closet - better late then never. Isabel catches him kissing Jesse and they get a divorce.
Isabel turns to Michael in her time of need, and they finally have a nice Cliffie fling. It doesn't work out, but they stay friends and she gets him to cut his hair.
Kyle and Jesse don't go any further, because Jesse is just too boring for words. He (Jesse) decides he was just confused and experimenting, but now he misses Isabel. Jesse and Isabel get remarried.
Kyle and Sheriff Valenti also have a very emotional scene dealing with Kyle's coming-out, and it is so well-done that it earns Bill Sadler an Emmy nomination in the new category Best Neglected Supporting Actor On A Show That's Really Beneath Him.
Maria is waitressing at the Crashdown when she suddenly short-circuits. It turns out she isn't Maria at all but an evil robot. (it's always the one you least suspect)
The real Maria got drugged around "Behind the Music" and shipped to northern Europe. She finally makes it back to Roswell to kill the Skankbot and get back together with Michael.
Michael and the real Maria have many romantic moments, and also a much more graphic sex scene. It's UPN and they can.
While Maria was in Europe, she found Tess, who was hanging around Sweden full of remorse and sadness. Everybody sits around wondering if they should forgive Tess or beat her to death with sticks.
Liz uses her investigating skills to show that the way certain people's hair is parted proves that the bass player guy in the teaser was not killed by Tess.
Just then Nicholas and the dupes come back and start blowing random people up. The Roswell kids are all "Who are you again?" and then they remember to fight them and save the planet. Even the humans kick butt. Max gets wounded but Tess saves him, and we realize in a bunch of flashes that the evil aliens mindwarped her into killing Alex and all that traitor stuff was a lie.
Now that that's all been cleared up, Max thanks Tess for saving his life and she says "I always loved you.... Wanna screw again?" and he goes, "Well, okay." And so they do.
More graphic sex. It's UPN.
Max tells Liz it's over between the two of them and Tess is going to marry him and have his babies.
Liz pushes Max off a cliff and he dies.
Tess is grief-stricken for a while, but finally decides to pick up the pieces of her life. She moves into an apartment with Kyle in San Fransisco, and it is a the basis of a brand new sitcom spin-off that totally rips off "Will & Grace", only with a baby.
Liz gets arrested for killing Max and pleads temporary insanity. At the trial her lawyer shows a tape of the complete Season Two, and the jury goes easy on her (except for the one juror who has to be excused because he starts banging his head into a wall by the time the "Gandarium" cystals show up).
Instead of the death penalty, Liz simply get 5-10 years in jail. Behind bars, she runs into Sean DeLuca, who got busted again during the summer and was deemed "too sensitive" for a male prison.
Liz and Sean share a cell with Faith from the Buffy/Angelverse who just transferred into the prison for being a distraction to everyone in LA. She makes Liz and Sean her bitches. Fun is had by all!
Spot grows up to be president of the United States.
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