Disclaimer: This is a parody and is not meant to be taken as an accurate depiction of the Roswell cast and crew. Except for the part about Brendan Fehr peeing, which really did happen.
Author's Notes: Originally posted on FanForum in response to a certain "scandal" sheet and various rumors about the cast. Someone suggested that if every rumor we heard was true, Roswell would make the best "E! True Hollywood Story" ever. To which I responded, Yeah, that would be some show... and launched into this.
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E! True Covina Story!
NARRATOR: Coming up next - It was a simple story. A story of aliens, humans, Snapple, some kind of blue jellyfish crystal thing, and love. But then it all took a turn for the worse...
EMILIE: Everyone hated me.
SHIRI: They hated me more.
KATHERINE: I was the most hated of all.
SHIRI: No, me!
EMILIE: No, me!
(they start pulling each other's hair)
BRENDAN: ...And then there was the day I peed in my pants at work.
MAJANDRA: No. Really. He did.
BRENDAN: Yes, on purpose.
MAJANDRA: He tells this to everyone.
BRENDAN: This is going national, right? (loudly into microphone) Jason Behr gave me money to pee in my pants! (quietly) Not that it interfered with anything.
JASON KATIMS: (terrified) The dreamers are good. The dreamers are smart. The dreamers are pretty...
KATHERINE: Sure, we had a lot of sex on the set. In the Crashdown... in the UFO center... in the Granilith-
JASON: (nibbles on her ear) Twice in the Granilith.
KATHERINE: That's right, twice. With the lights blinking and everything.
JASON: And it got you more screentime somehow.
KATHERINE: Fun times.
ADAM RODRIGUEZ: I... got lost on the way to my trailer one day... and I asked Ms. Heigl for directions... and... (voice cracking) she said, "Just don't upstage me today, bitch, or I'll make them kill you off."
SHIRI: Like I was saying, they hated me. I'm a snotty brat and people never wanted to hang out with me on set.
EMILIE: Jason said he wouldn't kiss me unless I did something about my looks.
SHIRI: Hey, I was talking.
EMILIE: This is my interview segment now. You're just wallpaper.
SHIRI: Shut up. I'm not all nice like I am on TV. I... um... line?
EMILIE: She never remembers her lines.
SHIRI: Oh you should talk.
EMILIE: Oh you should enunciate your Gs!
KATHERINE: (comes running up and knocks them aside) Get out of my way! There's a camera I'm not on!
(back to the hair pulling)
JASON KATIMS: The humans are better than the aliens. Especially Liz. Liz is the best. Please stop threatening my family.
EMILIE: Overall, I did love having the opportunity to do Roswell. I know I worked hard. I had to screw, like, ten guys just to get a decent audition after Beastmaster.
NICK: Same here... Only, you know, after Team Knight Rider.
EMILIE: Oh. (to camera) Anyway, it was a struggle for all of us.
SHIRI: I just wanted Jason to love me and devote his attention to me, offscreen and on. That's the way things are supposed to be. How else can you act if you're not the exact same person you're playing? You know? People never understood that. Until I won my Oscar.
NARRATOR: ...that and more coming up next on E!
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